I wish I was over trying to make him fit into MY life

Men are stupid and dating sucks. Anyone who tells you different is lying.

There is this man in Austin, whom I have been friends with since college. He’s one of those men that acts like an asshole in public, but is super sweet when none of the other guys are around. I call this his asshole complex. Because he’s the guy everyone loves, making jokes while being incredibly sarcastic, full of big opinions that he isn’t afraid to share, and can most likely drink you under the table. He really is the guy that everyone loves.

While we have been friends for years, I am not moving to Austin to be with him. Let’s get that straight right now. I’m not moving for him. I’m moving for family, and he’s just a very tiny small added bonus.

I say men are stupid and dating sucks because of my current situation with this man. We had briefly talked in college, and honestly that’s being generous, because it didn’t go anywhere, but have stayed friends over the years. With my upcoming move to Austin we have certainly reconnected over the last few months. So much so that he met my family over Memorial Day. Understand though that my family lives an hour from his house, which means that he spend 2 hours in the car round trip for a visit that wasn’t even 3 hours long.

His visit went over very well and obviously my family loved him the way I knew they would. My brother and aunt asked why we weren’t dating and my mom said she could see the electricity between us.

Within 10 minutes of him leaving, he asked what his first impression had been among my family. And my response was something along the lines of ‘why? That would imply that you cared.’ He proceed to tell me that my view of him was incredibly skewed. That he had changed a lot over the last few years and we really didn’t know each other anymore, but that his values hadn’t changed. All of which is absolutely true. We talked about my view of him and why it is the way it is, and it’s because it’s at least 3 years old. But I proceeded to tell him all of the things I still loved about him. His work ethic, values and relationships with family and friends, morals, generosity and sense of humor were just a few of the things I loved. But there were so many things I didn’t know, like how he felt about me and if the electricity I felt was mutual. His response, fairly, was well just have to see what happens when you get here in the fall.

Fast forward two weeks to this past weekend. He was in town for the weekend to spend time with friends from college. He asked that I pick him up from the airport, so I took the day off and we spent the day together with friends. We did the Nationals Archives museum just us, and had dinner with friends before heading to the bar for the evening. It was honestly a perfect day. Holding hands, spending time together, and catching up with friends. I can’t complain at all and honestly I felt like it was a good example of what life could be like together if we gave it a chance when I get there.

Friday night he got so drunk that he left the bar without saying goodbye to anyone, and I haven’t heard from him since.

At this point, I’m just so confused, and mad, and hurt and frustrated. Because I can’t decide how I should feel. Part of me feels like he used me for intimacy, got what he wanted and then threw me to the curb. Part wants to think it was just him with his college buddies which isn’t okay either but we’re not dating, and another part is mad that he treated me like that as a friend. Because before everything we were friends first.

I went to a friend and her words were the following: “Your confusion is completely valid and that’s why you feel ten different ways. I don’t think someone who is using you for sex drives 2 hours to meet your family. But I don’t think the way he treated you this weekend is fair at all dating or not dating you wouldn’t go to Texas and just completely ignore him and give no explanations.”

My problem, is that he is always someone that I have come back to. Someone that my soul is drawn to, and I don’t know why. Relationships have been ending and leading back to this man since 2009. Literally 2009. Thats 6 years this coming August that we have been playing this game.

Maybe its because he can make me laugh until I pee, or because he opens the doors for me. Or the fact that he finds joy in walking through antique shops just browsing, hiking to new places, and going to museums. Maybe its because he loves his lazy days just snuggled up with the pup, but also wouldn’t give up his time with friends. Or the fact that he remembers things I said years ago and can replay that moment back to me like it was yesterday. Maybe its the fact that I called him and said I want to come visit, and he immediately said book a trip! Maybe its because he loves his family, and talks about them more often than not. Or his love for travel, working hard, faith and fitness. Maybe its because he is someone that I have always thought could be someone special, but its never been the right timing.

We’ll just have to see where things lead with this mess. Because I can promise you, I will not be reaching out to him in the near future. He can take responsibility for his actions and take that step on his own. But at the same time, I desperately want to talk to him.

Overall, men are stupid and dating sucks. I can’t wait to see how this unfolds.

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My first true experience of this city

Austin Texas might be one of the greatest cities I have ever visited. I have an aunt and uncle that live 15 minutes from downtown and my parents live an hour both, so I’ve always been with family when I was in town. This weekend I was with an old college fling who lives here. We were able to walk around downtown, bar hop and spend time with his friends. 

I had no idea Austin had so much to offer. There is plenty to do actively outside, whether you’re running on the trail around Ladybird Lake, paddle boarding on the lake or hiking the rolling hills around the city. There are bars and restaurants on every corner and very rarely are they chains, so it’s always a new experience. We ate at The Hut, which Food Networks’s Diners, Driveins and Dive’s did an episode that was good. 

There is a bar on 6th street, which is the street to be on at night, called Kung Fu. I thought it was an Asian bar but I was completely wrong. You walk in, and it’s designed like a grownup chuckie cheese with arcade games, Janga and Connect Four set up. If you’re a newcomer to the bar, they make you bang this massive gong that’s behind the bar. Apparently I banged it like it pansy but I had a huge smile on my face and loved every second. I also had my first pickle juice shot and it was amazing!

   
 
With this trip making me spend night and day with an old friend, it made me realize how much he and I have both changed since we were last together. It has been 2 1/2 years since we’d last seen each other, and butterflies were in my stomach as to what emotions would come up seeing him again. Would I be interested in a life with him again? He has so many qualities that I’m looking for, so that was something I knew to acknowledge and handle when it came up. He is still a great man, and I respect him and care for him but it’s different now. He will be a great friend moving forward, but that’s where our relationship will stop. I acknowledge how different I am now, even in the 2 short months that I’ve been alone, and how much more I’m looking for than my past can give me. 

Im grateful for the choices that have gotten me to where I am now, and the people that have helped me grow along the way. I fell in love with this city this weekend, and it might need to become a more permanate place that is involved in my growth moving forward. Knowing what I know now, I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me. Maybe it’s in Texas.