He can find me

I realized recently that I’ve been single for just over a year. My last true relationship ended March 1, 2015. It still blows my mind looking back at everything that’s happened in the last 400ish days.
– ended my relationship with my ex.
– started the brainstorming process for moving to texas
– talked to my boss about me working remote, and received the blessing to move forward.
– went to Jamaica to see my best friend marry the love of her life
– became an aunt for the first time.
– ended my lease in va and shipped everything to TX
– completed 3 half marathons and a tough mudder
– became a certified yoga instructor
– drove 20+ hours cross country alone to move my entire life to Austin, while leaving all of my friends behind
– Moved into a 1  bedroom apartment and lived alone for the first time ever.
– Bought a house at 25
While all of that has been incredible, dating is still a pain in the butt. Even with everything that I’ve accomplished. If anything, I know myself better now that i ever have in my life but I’m still having trouble finding someone I want to share my life with.
Because of this, I’ve decided to take a dating hiatus. The goal is 6 months, but I’m going to start with 3 months and see how it goes, then decide from there if I want to date again or keep waiting. This has nothing to do with the men I’ve been on dates with over the last few months. It’s strictly about me. Wanting to not feel like i NEED someone to share my life with. Almost every big moment over the last few months I’ve wanted someone to share it with. But i don’t need a man to share my life with to make it better. My life is over pouring with so many blessing that i take for granted. So im quitting dating to focus on me and what I already have.
I deleted my Tinder and Match profiles this afternoon and already feel lighter. I will not go to dinner, coffee, grab drinks, or on blind dates. I also won’t get any more phone numbers. And I’m going to clean out the numbers that I already have.
I want this to be about me. I want to be in a place where when I do finally meet someone, I don’t feel the need to try and impress them, because I’m perfectly happy being who I am without them. I have so much pressure on myself, because so many friends are getting married and having babies. My parents are ready for grandkids and my grandparents are ready for great grandbabies. On top of that, social media pushes how much relationships are needed, while also pushing the independent life.
This quote is what got the idea started –
“There’s so much more to life than finding someone
who will want you, or being sad over someone who
doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent
discovering yourself without hoping someone will
fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t
need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself
with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being
on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the
woods with your friends, wander around the city
at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on
bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books,
 dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot.
Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life
like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself
and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful,
I promise.”
There are so many things I want to accomplish in this life and the majority of them can happen alone. I want to learn how to make wine. And learn how to paddleboard. Continue running and make it a priority. Explore the city of Austin. Make more girlfriends. Grow in my relationship with the Lord & trust that He has control of where I’m headed and who is in my future. Volunteer. Read more books. Do more yoga. Learn new cooking techniques. Get involved at church. Grow in my career & take on more responsibilities. Travel more. Spend more time with my family. Explore Texas and everything it has to offer that I haven’t experienced. Develop the relationships that I already have and let go of the ones that no longer serve me.
At the end of the day, I want someone who doesn’t need me in their life, but wants me in their life. Someone who loves me more when I have no makeup on, working from home, watching Greys Anatomy and crying because George died again (for the 9th time because I’m obsessed with the show). Someone who can get excited and support the big things happening in my life even though they may not be apart of it. Someone who understands that right now I come first in my life. That I’m not going to drop my bachelor/ette night with my girlfriends because I have him. I still have to put myself first some nights. Someone who understands how important seeing the world is to me, and wants to join me on those trips. Someone who wants to take care of Bentley and I, even though I can take care of us just fine. Someone who wants to bring more happiness into my already abundantly happy life.
I’m in charge of my own happiness. I don’t want to look at every man I meet and see if there is husband potential in him. I want someone who see’s a wife in me before I see a future with him, because then I’m truly focused on my growth now, rather than future possible growth. The dream is still the same. I want to meet an incredible man, who wants to love me forever and have beautiful babies. I’m not letting go of the dream. I’m just choosing to focus on myself and let him find me, rather than the other way around.

To my 5 week long Tinder boyfriend,

To my 5 week long Tinder boyfriend,

Thank you. Thank you for proving to me that good, normal men use dating apps to meet people. Thank you for treating me better than any man ever has and for raising the bar for my future dating experiences. Thank you for reminding me that chivalry isn’t dead, and that men are still capable of opening the car door for us, and kissing our hands in public. Thank you for reminding me that it’s okay to not be the smartest person in the room and for not laughing when I ask a question or say something that may sound stupid. If I’m asking, it’s because I actually do want to know the answer. Thank you for showing me your favorite places in the city of Austin. This great, beautiful city may seem small, but to a single person alone in this city its massive and overwhelming. Thank you for taking me to places where I have memories in the future with you and great times to think back on. Thank you for making the moving transition easier by finding comfort in you.

Thank you for showing me what it’s like to have a dreamer bigger than yourself. I’m so proud of how dedicated and committed to your dream you are. I can only wish that one day I feel that way about a career. Your dream requires a level of dedication that is so important to you that a romantic relationship isn’t possible, and you’re okay with accepting that fact.

But also, thank you for ending it when you did. For realizing that while we were perfect together, and we were, it wasn’t the right time in your life for you to be romantically committed to someone. Your honesty opened my eyes to the things that I needed to be focusing on right now, like my own mental health. For someone who has never suffered from anxiety and depression, these are two things I need to work through on my own. Without the help and encouragement from a significant other, that obviously might not be in my life forever. Its things like this that pushed me to take this adventure on my own. So that I could show the world, and more importantly myself, that I’m fully capable of taking this world on on my own.

Lastly, thank you for acknowledging that while we cannot move forward romantically, that developing a friendship is something that you’d still like to work on. I feel like more often than not this is something that women suggest but it never works out. I greatly appreciate the fact that you said this was something you’d like to continue, if I was okay with it. The level of comfort I had with you is something that I didn’t know existed in real life. It allowed me to be the fullest and realist version of myself, knowing that you accepted me however I chose to show up. I don’t have that level of closeness with some of the best guys friends in my life, and I found it in you within minutes of meeting you.

I can only hope that we truly do continue to grow closer as friends in the future.

With all my love,