Missing him

No one in particular, but him. That man that you go home to after a long day. That you pour the stories of your day out to and he listens intently. The man that looks at you and says ‘I’m proud of you’.

I needed that tonight. Someone to hold me when I stumbled into the house and drop all my bags on the floor just inside the front door. I worked a 15 hour day today, and all I wanted besides my bed and puppy, was a man to be there to hold me and tell me he was proud of all my hard work. I don’t usually need that acknowledgement from another person, but I haven’t crossed many, if any, milestones as a single woman. Today I realized today how much I missed having someone there to celebrate with. And be excited with over the big things, and even the small things.

One day. Maybe soon, or maybe not. But one day there will be another him. 🙂

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‘Not yet, but soon’

I caught myself day dreaming in the Starbucks line today. I’d been enjoying the weather and was grabbing a green tea on the way back into the office, and my thoughts went to our company golf tournament that was hosted around this time last summer. I was there spending the day in the sun with reps from a number of the vendors I represent. One of my reps noticed my CZ ring on my left middle finger and asked when I’d gotten engaged. My answer was along the lines of ‘not yet, but soon’.

It’s incredible looking back at how much I truly believed that, ‘not yet, but soon’. And then seeing where I stand today.

My roommates birthday was this past weekend, and her brother is my ex, so obviously we saw each other. As weird as it was, it was so comforting to be out doing things that we used to enjoy together, with the friends that we both madly love. At one point we were hugging and I stuck my bottom lip out, something I’d done a million times, and was starting to tear up. It’s incredible how much as changed. But even more incredible how right the change feels.

In true white girl wasted fashion, obviously I was very concerned to know if he was watching me while we were out with my friends. Watching me dance with this body he never appreciate. The body I have been working harder than ever to tone up even more. Watching me have a blast with my girlfriends, proving to the both of us that I don’t need a man. That I can have an incredible time with the people that are in my life and that I’m not as shy as I used to be. That I’m finally coming out of my little shell because I’m realizing that I have to. To meet people, make new friends, find new joys in life and date, I have to lose some of the shell that has graciously protected me all of these years. So by all means, watch! Watch me enjoy my life beyond belief, stronger than I ever was with a man by my side, and more confident than I could have ever imagined.

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I really did believe it when I said ‘not yet, but soon’. Not too long after that event did I only then begin to realize that it was never going to happen in the relationship that I was in.  That I was more in love with the idea of the wedding, and settling for the safe relationship I was in, rather than starting from scratch and patiently waiting for the man that is being developed by my creator for me.

With a love as beautiful as Andrew and I shared, I can only imagine what God has in store for me next. Rather than trying to force something with the man in Austin, maybe I should take a step back, truly enjoy where I am and my last summer in Washington, DC while continuing to fall in love with myself and my girlfriends. Because in the end, they will always be the ones to pick me up when I’m down and encourage me when I don’t have any fight or power left in me.

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Until next time,

❤ your developing, but devoted yogi

I wish I was over trying to make him fit into MY life

Men are stupid and dating sucks. Anyone who tells you different is lying.

There is this man in Austin, whom I have been friends with since college. He’s one of those men that acts like an asshole in public, but is super sweet when none of the other guys are around. I call this his asshole complex. Because he’s the guy everyone loves, making jokes while being incredibly sarcastic, full of big opinions that he isn’t afraid to share, and can most likely drink you under the table. He really is the guy that everyone loves.

While we have been friends for years, I am not moving to Austin to be with him. Let’s get that straight right now. I’m not moving for him. I’m moving for family, and he’s just a very tiny small added bonus.

I say men are stupid and dating sucks because of my current situation with this man. We had briefly talked in college, and honestly that’s being generous, because it didn’t go anywhere, but have stayed friends over the years. With my upcoming move to Austin we have certainly reconnected over the last few months. So much so that he met my family over Memorial Day. Understand though that my family lives an hour from his house, which means that he spend 2 hours in the car round trip for a visit that wasn’t even 3 hours long.

His visit went over very well and obviously my family loved him the way I knew they would. My brother and aunt asked why we weren’t dating and my mom said she could see the electricity between us.

Within 10 minutes of him leaving, he asked what his first impression had been among my family. And my response was something along the lines of ‘why? That would imply that you cared.’ He proceed to tell me that my view of him was incredibly skewed. That he had changed a lot over the last few years and we really didn’t know each other anymore, but that his values hadn’t changed. All of which is absolutely true. We talked about my view of him and why it is the way it is, and it’s because it’s at least 3 years old. But I proceeded to tell him all of the things I still loved about him. His work ethic, values and relationships with family and friends, morals, generosity and sense of humor were just a few of the things I loved. But there were so many things I didn’t know, like how he felt about me and if the electricity I felt was mutual. His response, fairly, was well just have to see what happens when you get here in the fall.

Fast forward two weeks to this past weekend. He was in town for the weekend to spend time with friends from college. He asked that I pick him up from the airport, so I took the day off and we spent the day together with friends. We did the Nationals Archives museum just us, and had dinner with friends before heading to the bar for the evening. It was honestly a perfect day. Holding hands, spending time together, and catching up with friends. I can’t complain at all and honestly I felt like it was a good example of what life could be like together if we gave it a chance when I get there.

Friday night he got so drunk that he left the bar without saying goodbye to anyone, and I haven’t heard from him since.

At this point, I’m just so confused, and mad, and hurt and frustrated. Because I can’t decide how I should feel. Part of me feels like he used me for intimacy, got what he wanted and then threw me to the curb. Part wants to think it was just him with his college buddies which isn’t okay either but we’re not dating, and another part is mad that he treated me like that as a friend. Because before everything we were friends first.

I went to a friend and her words were the following: “Your confusion is completely valid and that’s why you feel ten different ways. I don’t think someone who is using you for sex drives 2 hours to meet your family. But I don’t think the way he treated you this weekend is fair at all dating or not dating you wouldn’t go to Texas and just completely ignore him and give no explanations.”

My problem, is that he is always someone that I have come back to. Someone that my soul is drawn to, and I don’t know why. Relationships have been ending and leading back to this man since 2009. Literally 2009. Thats 6 years this coming August that we have been playing this game.

Maybe its because he can make me laugh until I pee, or because he opens the doors for me. Or the fact that he finds joy in walking through antique shops just browsing, hiking to new places, and going to museums. Maybe its because he loves his lazy days just snuggled up with the pup, but also wouldn’t give up his time with friends. Or the fact that he remembers things I said years ago and can replay that moment back to me like it was yesterday. Maybe its the fact that I called him and said I want to come visit, and he immediately said book a trip! Maybe its because he loves his family, and talks about them more often than not. Or his love for travel, working hard, faith and fitness. Maybe its because he is someone that I have always thought could be someone special, but its never been the right timing.

We’ll just have to see where things lead with this mess. Because I can promise you, I will not be reaching out to him in the near future. He can take responsibility for his actions and take that step on his own. But at the same time, I desperately want to talk to him.

Overall, men are stupid and dating sucks. I can’t wait to see how this unfolds.

Austin, Texas

When you have the opportunity to selfishly put yourself first, its incredible what immediately comes to mind.

I have been single for just under 2 1/2 months now, and honestly one of the first things I decided in that initial week of this new chapter was deciding to move out of Northern, VA. While I have lived here my entire life and absolutely love this city, I’m ready for a new place to learn, explore and fall in love with. While visiting Austin last month I had the opportunity to walk through apartments, and truly fall in love with the city that I would be spending so much time in. I honestly have never been so excited about what is coming. But, knowing whats coming, with so few friends knowing makes this summer even better. I have never been good at living in the moment, and this move in actually teaching me that. To enjoy every moment. Say yes to every opportunity that is brought to me, and really love the time I had left in this incredible city.

I never thought I would leave this area. When my parents moved, Andrew and I had decided we would purchase a house in the Northern, VA area. After visiting Austin at Christmas I realized that I loved the city life, and wanted to be able to experience that, but Andrew wanted to stay in the suburbs. So we agreed to the suburbs. I also had suggested to Andrew that we move south closer to my family, but he never wanted to leave this area, so we were going to stay. When I’m honest with myself, I know I’ve wanted to leave for a while. And that I only truly stayed in this area after my parents moved because of Andrew. My mom asked me at least 100 times to come with them and start over. I never thought I would.

I’m working out details with my work now, and while I confidently believed that it would work out, now I’m not as confident. But I’m not scared or worried at all. For someone that is a total type A personality, I’m generally in a panic when something doesn’t go according to the plan. I think I actually understand the idea of ‘giving it all to God’. He is going to take care of me. And whether my job lets me work remote or not, I’ll figure something out when i get there. Maybe I focus on grad school for a semester, and work at Lululemon in Austin. And maybe teach for a yoga studio. And maybe a restaurant or bar as well. Well obviously that is not the ideal plan for a 24 year old with a bachelor’s degree, 2 years experience, 1 year to go in my Masters and student loans, it might actually make me the happiest. I feel like when I have been so worried about the money, and figuring every out I have considered less what makes me happy. What will provide me the best quality of life. And maybe its not a 9-5 job. At this point, I don’t know. But I have a lot of ideas, so I guess well see.

I sit down with my director on Tuesday morning to discuss my role in Austin, and how my pay, and expectations will change. Depending on how that goes, I may not need a new job. But I also might need something when I get to Austin, or even before then. Who knows? But either way, my lease in Northern, VA doesn’t end until Sept 1, and I don’t think I want to spend my birthday in a place where I know no one. So no matter what I will be in DC until after my birthday.

I’m giving it to God. Literally all of it, and believing that He has a plan for Bentley and I.