Reality Checks

Reality checks always suck but i’ve found when the right person gives you the words you need to hear at the right time, they can be pro founding.

I regularly get caught up in the daily struggles and roadblocks that are thrown my way. Typically, I try to acknowledge them and move forward without letting them get me down, but like any other human being, sometimes that isn’t the case. The last 6 weeks of my life have been insanely frustrating, exhausting, and heart wrenchingly painful. Seeing everything that i’ve been through, in retrospect, it really hasn’t been that bad, but the combination of it all and feeling alone on top of it, is what has made it so hard.

I ended a relationship that I honest to God thought was the one for me. You know what I’m talking about. That relationship where you think this might actually be the last first kiss you ever have. The one where the relationship feels so easy, and perfect. On top of all of that, he had all of the qualities that I had asked God for in the perfect spouse. Unfortunately, due to circumstances in his life, i chose to end the relationship to allow him the space that he needed for healing. While I did care for him greatly, i’m the only one who can stand up for myself, and I realized that I couldn’t be in a relationship waiting for the other person to realize what I already knew. Walking away was hard, but moving forward has been even harder.

I met a great guy friend of mine for ice cream last night. This man has been in my life for 7+ years and has always been there for a good laugh and an honest conversation. He looked at me with serious eyes and said “for someone as religious as you are, I find it hard to believe that you can’t let go of the plan you have for yourself to allow God to do what He has planned for you.”

WHAT?!? Talk about a slap in the face of honesty. I tried to explain to him that I always thought at 26 that I would be married by now, maybe with a baby. And while the life that I have now is incredible and God has blessed me with way more than I deserve, i still wish for that life that i’ve dreamed of.

Its hard. Stepping out on faith and choosing to let go and let God. It really is and he looked at me and told me he understood. That it was a battle he also struggled with but he has decided to move forward everyday as best as he can and see what the Lord will provide for him.

Letting go and letting God is unfortunately always easier said than done. These are some verses that I found peace in, hopefully if you are fighting a similar battle, they help you as well.

Isaiah 43:18 “But forget all that–it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.

Job 17:9 the righteous shall move onward and forward; those with pure hearts shall become stronger and stronger.

Colossians 3:2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

Psalm 62:8 Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

Romans 8:28-29 And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose, because those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

With all my love,

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Shaken

I recently decided to stop dating the man I’ve been seeing for a few months. He is everything I have asked God for, and all of the things I didn’t know I needed. But in this decision to take some time apart, he asked a question that shocked me. His offensive question has been in my head non stop since he asked. The night before our winery date, where I realized he was someone I could picture as being incredibly important to me, I went on a date with someone else. We were both single adults and both still dating other people, but I’d made a choice that I have never been proud of and for whatever reason felt that the space he and I shared was safe enough to share this in. I have no idea why, but I did. We have never talked about that night, until now.

His question has brought up issues from my past that are more than 10 years old, and some that are newer that I have chosen to not deal with. I thought I had, but now I’m realizing that I’m broken still, just covered my a mask. A mask I didn’t even know I owned.

The decision I made that night was my right as a female, whose in control of her own body. Which may have been a part of the problem. So many times in my life that power has been taken from me, so to have the power and the control to make that choice on my own is where I believe that decision came from. It came from a place of need to fill a void, rather than allow it to remain empty and lonely. It came from a place where I needed to be WORTH something to someone.

It’s incredible to me that I thought this break was for him. For him to heal, and be as ready for me as I thought I was for him. But it turns out, I may be equally as broken, but in different ways.

Sexual abuse causes people to act out. In grownups, people assume you’re just being promiscuous. But sometimes there is an underlying cause that needs to be acknowledged. I’m Kristi. I’m a repeat victim of sexual abuse, and I’ve never healed from it. I’ve moved forward and allowed myself to ignore it, while also forgiving those individuals, but I’ve never healed and let it go. It’s been almost 4 years since the last incident, and I have allowed the control that he took from me to eat me up, silently, over the years. This is letting the bad guys win. Over and over again.

In a webinar for a Bible Study I’m about to start, the author said this “Insecurity and lies we believe can shake us to our core and the foundations of our hearts.” The lie that my worth is only found in the bedroom, from men that take what they need, is no longer going to control me. Join me in letting go of the lies that are holding you down, and acknowledge that they are prohibiting you from moving forward.

Get off your butt & back into the gym

Get off your butt and back into the gym! Understand I’m telling this to myself just as much, if not more, than I’m telling it to you. As I sit here creating my meal plan for next week, I’m also eating mint chocolate chip ice cream out of the tub and drinking a glass of white wine. So to say that I view life as a balance is an understatement.

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Getting back on track for me is the hardest part. It’s not the staying on track that’s challenging, while it provides plenty of temptation, it’s getting started that causes me to immediately fail before I even begin. I have set a 5-6am alarm every morning for the last 7 work mornings and have only gotten up for one of them. Something has to change.

I have been an Advocare product user for 2+ years now and absolutely love the products. They have given me more energy, allowed me to cut out caffeine, helped me stay on track and made me love filling my body with healthy foods again. I’m starting a 24 day challenge on Monday and thought about the steps I’m taking to prepare for success. Maybe you can use one or two of them as well to help you on your journey to a healthier future!

1. Meal Planning – Make a list of the meals and snacks that you’re going to eat for the next 7 days. Also make the grocery list to match. This will help you to stay on track and ignore all of the items you’re craving while shopping.

2. Weekly Meal Prep – I always meal prep on Sunday’s after church. It makes the week easy for those on the go. With your meals already made, you know exactly what you’ll be eating without having to think about it and with the money already spent you’ll be less likely to stop for something different.

3. Refillable Water Bottles – I love my 32oz water bottle, as well as my Swell water bottle (which keeps fluid cold for 12+ hours). This lets me keep water with me at all times! I also recently heard about a 10 gulp rule. Every time you go to take a sip of water, take 10 gulps instead. This will keep you incredibly hydrated throughout the day!

4. Have a workout buddy – Find a friend who can keep you motivated and accountable. I take BodyPump and Spin classes with a girl friend and it helps get us both out of the house at 5am. Knowing that someone is counting on me helps get my feet on the floor and me out the door. It also makes it more enjoyable. Anywhere where you can laugh and be yourself is a great place to be.

5. Get outside – Rather than always working out in a gym, get outdoors. Run around the neighborhood, take a community yoga class, go paddle boarding. Switch up your routine!

6. Throw out the junk – Get rid of all the foods in your home that will cause you to get off track. For me its sweets, and chips. I have made sure to throw out all of the junk in my house so that I can be the most successful. Also, it requires me to go out of my way if I really want to get those items.

7. A good night sleep – I have found I’m the most productive if I get 8-9 hours of sleep, so going to bed early is essential.

8. Daily Journaling – Writing every evening about my day helps me clear my head before bed but also lets me list out my workouts. It also allows me to track my progress.

Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!

Perspective

While being in my mid 20s has been some of the greatest times of my life, its also the time when all of my friends are getting engaged, married and having babies…including my ex’s.

My first serious boyfriend ever got married this past weekend. He married a girl that I was incredibly close to in college. And it put me in this weird mood. Not because I wish it was me he was saying ‘I do’ to, because I don’t. I know that God used the relationship he and I had to teach me a lot, and grow in more ways than I probably am even aware of, but it was still weird. I tried explaining the feeling that was distracting me to my mom, but she just couldn’t relate.

I know a part of me is sad that I’m not at that season of my life yet, but still sad isn’t even the right word. I’m very slightly envious, because I’ve been wanting to be loved by someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. But then I think about how much I’ve changed in the last year and a half. I think about the things that I thought were important in a significant other, and how different those “absolutely must have” qualities have changed.

J and I remind each other regularly that we don’t need each other. While to some that may sound incredibly insensitive, to me its incredibly empowering. Its empowering to be able to look at the man I care about and with 100% honesty be able to tell him that I don’t need him. But that I CHOOSE to have him in my life. I choose him. He’s in my life because I want him there, not because I need him to provide for me. Or because i don’t know what life would be like alone. Or because I can’t live without him.

When the guy that just got married and I broke up, we’d been together for 4 years – 2 in high school and 2 in college and I literally didn’t know what life would be like without him. I hadn’t walked through life alone in so long that I didn’t know what to expect, our how to function. Id lost friendships because he became my world so I had to start from scratch. Granted, I was 16 when we started dating, so I really didn’t know what I was doing, but it made starting over even more challenging. I had to establish a baseline for the woman that I wanted to be and grow from there. I had to recreate the tribe of people that surrounded me and occupied my time, and I had to figure out what it was that I wanted. I had the freedom to decide for myself what I was going to do with my future, as well as what I wanted to spend my free time doing and even simpler, where I was going to eat. I didn’t have to take into consideration anyone else’s feelings but my own and it was terrifying and exhilarating.

Now I look at where I stand, and its incredibly empowering to be able to look back at the growth that’s occurred. To be able to honestly and truly say, but also believe, that I don’t need a man in my life. I’ve proven to myself that I am capable of giving myself the most amazing life all on my own. That I can provide for myself and my dog. That I can have friendships all over the world and successfully make them important pieces of my life despite the distance between us. I’ve found hobbies and grown as a Christian woman and daughter. And I’ve managed two jobs and developed a relationship with an incredible Christian man, all while never once losing who I am.

Take a step back and look into yourself for a second. Do you depend on your significant other or spouse for everything in your life? Financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically? I challenge you to take some time to focus on yourself. YOU are the most important person in your life. And I think that is something that we regularly forget. Everyone needs a reminder, and i’m happy to be yours.

With all my love,

kristi

He can find me

I realized recently that I’ve been single for just over a year. My last true relationship ended March 1, 2015. It still blows my mind looking back at everything that’s happened in the last 400ish days.
– ended my relationship with my ex.
– started the brainstorming process for moving to texas
– talked to my boss about me working remote, and received the blessing to move forward.
– went to Jamaica to see my best friend marry the love of her life
– became an aunt for the first time.
– ended my lease in va and shipped everything to TX
– completed 3 half marathons and a tough mudder
– became a certified yoga instructor
– drove 20+ hours cross country alone to move my entire life to Austin, while leaving all of my friends behind
– Moved into a 1  bedroom apartment and lived alone for the first time ever.
– Bought a house at 25
While all of that has been incredible, dating is still a pain in the butt. Even with everything that I’ve accomplished. If anything, I know myself better now that i ever have in my life but I’m still having trouble finding someone I want to share my life with.
Because of this, I’ve decided to take a dating hiatus. The goal is 6 months, but I’m going to start with 3 months and see how it goes, then decide from there if I want to date again or keep waiting. This has nothing to do with the men I’ve been on dates with over the last few months. It’s strictly about me. Wanting to not feel like i NEED someone to share my life with. Almost every big moment over the last few months I’ve wanted someone to share it with. But i don’t need a man to share my life with to make it better. My life is over pouring with so many blessing that i take for granted. So im quitting dating to focus on me and what I already have.
I deleted my Tinder and Match profiles this afternoon and already feel lighter. I will not go to dinner, coffee, grab drinks, or on blind dates. I also won’t get any more phone numbers. And I’m going to clean out the numbers that I already have.
I want this to be about me. I want to be in a place where when I do finally meet someone, I don’t feel the need to try and impress them, because I’m perfectly happy being who I am without them. I have so much pressure on myself, because so many friends are getting married and having babies. My parents are ready for grandkids and my grandparents are ready for great grandbabies. On top of that, social media pushes how much relationships are needed, while also pushing the independent life.
This quote is what got the idea started –
“There’s so much more to life than finding someone
who will want you, or being sad over someone who
doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent
discovering yourself without hoping someone will
fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t
need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself
with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being
on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the
woods with your friends, wander around the city
at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on
bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books,
 dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot.
Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life
like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself
and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful,
I promise.”
There are so many things I want to accomplish in this life and the majority of them can happen alone. I want to learn how to make wine. And learn how to paddleboard. Continue running and make it a priority. Explore the city of Austin. Make more girlfriends. Grow in my relationship with the Lord & trust that He has control of where I’m headed and who is in my future. Volunteer. Read more books. Do more yoga. Learn new cooking techniques. Get involved at church. Grow in my career & take on more responsibilities. Travel more. Spend more time with my family. Explore Texas and everything it has to offer that I haven’t experienced. Develop the relationships that I already have and let go of the ones that no longer serve me.
At the end of the day, I want someone who doesn’t need me in their life, but wants me in their life. Someone who loves me more when I have no makeup on, working from home, watching Greys Anatomy and crying because George died again (for the 9th time because I’m obsessed with the show). Someone who can get excited and support the big things happening in my life even though they may not be apart of it. Someone who understands that right now I come first in my life. That I’m not going to drop my bachelor/ette night with my girlfriends because I have him. I still have to put myself first some nights. Someone who understands how important seeing the world is to me, and wants to join me on those trips. Someone who wants to take care of Bentley and I, even though I can take care of us just fine. Someone who wants to bring more happiness into my already abundantly happy life.
I’m in charge of my own happiness. I don’t want to look at every man I meet and see if there is husband potential in him. I want someone who see’s a wife in me before I see a future with him, because then I’m truly focused on my growth now, rather than future possible growth. The dream is still the same. I want to meet an incredible man, who wants to love me forever and have beautiful babies. I’m not letting go of the dream. I’m just choosing to focus on myself and let him find me, rather than the other way around.