The whole point of life

The majority of my closest friends live an airplane ride distance away, and of those incredible women, some read my blog to stay up to date with me and what’s happening in my life. 
This weekend I was back in the DC area for one of these beautiful woman’s bachelorette parties and she’d mentioned that I hadn’t blogged in weeks. It’s funny how the majority of the times when I’ve blogged I’ve been hurting, frustrated or processing something. I blog to cope, un whined and let go of something. I rarely blog when I’m happy. 

My most recent post was about how i was giving up dating. What I managed to leave out, what that I was giving up dating UNLESS I got to date the one man I truly wanted right then. I didn’t want to date for the sake of dating. For the free meals and exciting activities around the city. I wanted to date because I was in search of the man id spend my life with. I’ve dated for fun before and it’s a great time for a little while, but also so exhausting. At one point I was juggling dates with 3,4 or 5 different guys a week, but in my head it was dating to meet people not find someone to settle down with. My intentions were purely to meet people while being new in this big city. Then I met J. 

While J was newly out of a very serious relationship when we met in January, on Tinder none the less, I remember telling my best friend Hannah the very next day that he was everything id been looking for. Even though the timing was off, I knew that I wanted to continue getting to know him as a friend, because you never know what can happen. 

My life has done a full 180 in the last 15 months. Not only has my life changed, but I’ve changed. The way I carry myself and see the world. The way I set goals and make plans. The way I treat my friendships and my relationship with Christ. My life is different in more ways than I possibly could describe here, but they have all been for the better. I’ve learned patience and a better understanding of compassion. I’ve learned to give without receiving and to love because Christ loved us. I’ve learned that prayer works and that God changes lives. I’ve learned that liquor will never be my friend, and been reminded that running is good for the soul. I’ve figured out how to stretch a dollar and make cheap easy meals with chicken. Ive learned to stand on my own two feet and follow my dreams. I’ve learned to love myself for who I am, and how to be who I truly am and not who I thought people needed me to be. 

Back to J. He is everything I’ve asked God for, and everything I’ve been praying for my entire life, as well as everything I didn’t know was possible. I’m not going to say he’s the one, because I’m still not sure (it’s only been a few months and he’s still healing), but if he’s not, he’s taught me so much about what I deserve. If it doesn’t work out, I’ve learned what’s possible in a partner, spouse and best friend. I’ve learned patience with healing. I’ve realized that the ring or last name change mean nothing, because we are already spending our lives together. And that is literally the whole point of this crazy thing we call life. To find someone to share your life with and who helps you love every second of it. 

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see us on the right track towards that future for us. I certainly see it headed in a serious direction. One wonderful thing about our relationship is our ability to communicate. I have never been in a relationship where our communication is so strong. He knows that I see this going somewhere serious, knowing that he’s not quite ready, which is okay. I regularly remind him that I’m not going anywhere and that he’s worth the wait. I’ve never been the woman to wait on a man. With all of my past relationships, I’ve been the one to say that I wanted it to go in a specific direction and they have agreed, So it’s gone there, or they haven’t and I’ve moved on. Whether that was making us exclusive, putting a title on it or saying I love you, I’ve made the move first. With J, I have allowed myself to stay slightly distant, while allowing him to heal at his speed without any added pressure from me. I have never been a patient woman, but with him it’s easy. I also have never felt so sure that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be, or so led to be where I am. What he doesn’t realize, is that I’ve prayed for him specifically every time I’ve gotten in my car since March 1st. I’ve prayed for his heart, his healing, clarity for his future and his goals, his family, his career and traveling, his relationship with God and us.

Making it a commitment to God to pray for J every time I get in the car has made my relationship with God stronger. Not because I’m seeing prayers answered, which I do think I am very slowly, but because I’m in constant communication with the Lord. I already was the woman I wanted to be but my relationship with Christ was lacking communication, passion and fire. Whether this relationship heads to something more serious or not, my life will have forever been changed by the lessons I’ve learned and the personal growth I’ve experienced. 

Keep your eyes open to the unexpected blessings that are thrown your way. Rather than trying to make the timing or the person work right now, like we tend to do, allow them to play out the way they’re supposed to. Gods blessings in our life are better than we ever could have imagined. 

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I wish I was over trying to make him fit into MY life

Men are stupid and dating sucks. Anyone who tells you different is lying.

There is this man in Austin, whom I have been friends with since college. He’s one of those men that acts like an asshole in public, but is super sweet when none of the other guys are around. I call this his asshole complex. Because he’s the guy everyone loves, making jokes while being incredibly sarcastic, full of big opinions that he isn’t afraid to share, and can most likely drink you under the table. He really is the guy that everyone loves.

While we have been friends for years, I am not moving to Austin to be with him. Let’s get that straight right now. I’m not moving for him. I’m moving for family, and he’s just a very tiny small added bonus.

I say men are stupid and dating sucks because of my current situation with this man. We had briefly talked in college, and honestly that’s being generous, because it didn’t go anywhere, but have stayed friends over the years. With my upcoming move to Austin we have certainly reconnected over the last few months. So much so that he met my family over Memorial Day. Understand though that my family lives an hour from his house, which means that he spend 2 hours in the car round trip for a visit that wasn’t even 3 hours long.

His visit went over very well and obviously my family loved him the way I knew they would. My brother and aunt asked why we weren’t dating and my mom said she could see the electricity between us.

Within 10 minutes of him leaving, he asked what his first impression had been among my family. And my response was something along the lines of ‘why? That would imply that you cared.’ He proceed to tell me that my view of him was incredibly skewed. That he had changed a lot over the last few years and we really didn’t know each other anymore, but that his values hadn’t changed. All of which is absolutely true. We talked about my view of him and why it is the way it is, and it’s because it’s at least 3 years old. But I proceeded to tell him all of the things I still loved about him. His work ethic, values and relationships with family and friends, morals, generosity and sense of humor were just a few of the things I loved. But there were so many things I didn’t know, like how he felt about me and if the electricity I felt was mutual. His response, fairly, was well just have to see what happens when you get here in the fall.

Fast forward two weeks to this past weekend. He was in town for the weekend to spend time with friends from college. He asked that I pick him up from the airport, so I took the day off and we spent the day together with friends. We did the Nationals Archives museum just us, and had dinner with friends before heading to the bar for the evening. It was honestly a perfect day. Holding hands, spending time together, and catching up with friends. I can’t complain at all and honestly I felt like it was a good example of what life could be like together if we gave it a chance when I get there.

Friday night he got so drunk that he left the bar without saying goodbye to anyone, and I haven’t heard from him since.

At this point, I’m just so confused, and mad, and hurt and frustrated. Because I can’t decide how I should feel. Part of me feels like he used me for intimacy, got what he wanted and then threw me to the curb. Part wants to think it was just him with his college buddies which isn’t okay either but we’re not dating, and another part is mad that he treated me like that as a friend. Because before everything we were friends first.

I went to a friend and her words were the following: “Your confusion is completely valid and that’s why you feel ten different ways. I don’t think someone who is using you for sex drives 2 hours to meet your family. But I don’t think the way he treated you this weekend is fair at all dating or not dating you wouldn’t go to Texas and just completely ignore him and give no explanations.”

My problem, is that he is always someone that I have come back to. Someone that my soul is drawn to, and I don’t know why. Relationships have been ending and leading back to this man since 2009. Literally 2009. Thats 6 years this coming August that we have been playing this game.

Maybe its because he can make me laugh until I pee, or because he opens the doors for me. Or the fact that he finds joy in walking through antique shops just browsing, hiking to new places, and going to museums. Maybe its because he loves his lazy days just snuggled up with the pup, but also wouldn’t give up his time with friends. Or the fact that he remembers things I said years ago and can replay that moment back to me like it was yesterday. Maybe its the fact that I called him and said I want to come visit, and he immediately said book a trip! Maybe its because he loves his family, and talks about them more often than not. Or his love for travel, working hard, faith and fitness. Maybe its because he is someone that I have always thought could be someone special, but its never been the right timing.

We’ll just have to see where things lead with this mess. Because I can promise you, I will not be reaching out to him in the near future. He can take responsibility for his actions and take that step on his own. But at the same time, I desperately want to talk to him.

Overall, men are stupid and dating sucks. I can’t wait to see how this unfolds.