Reality Checks

Reality checks always suck but i’ve found when the right person gives you the words you need to hear at the right time, they can be pro founding.

I regularly get caught up in the daily struggles and roadblocks that are thrown my way. Typically, I try to acknowledge them and move forward without letting them get me down, but like any other human being, sometimes that isn’t the case. The last 6 weeks of my life have been insanely frustrating, exhausting, and heart wrenchingly painful. Seeing everything that i’ve been through, in retrospect, it really hasn’t been that bad, but the combination of it all and feeling alone on top of it, is what has made it so hard.

I ended a relationship that I honest to God thought was the one for me. You know what I’m talking about. That relationship where you think this might actually be the last first kiss you ever have. The one where the relationship feels so easy, and perfect. On top of all of that, he had all of the qualities that I had asked God for in the perfect spouse. Unfortunately, due to circumstances in his life, i chose to end the relationship to allow him the space that he needed for healing. While I did care for him greatly, i’m the only one who can stand up for myself, and I realized that I couldn’t be in a relationship waiting for the other person to realize what I already knew. Walking away was hard, but moving forward has been even harder.

I met a great guy friend of mine for ice cream last night. This man has been in my life for 7+ years and has always been there for a good laugh and an honest conversation. He looked at me with serious eyes and said “for someone as religious as you are, I find it hard to believe that you can’t let go of the plan you have for yourself to allow God to do what He has planned for you.”

WHAT?!? Talk about a slap in the face of honesty. I tried to explain to him that I always thought at 26 that I would be married by now, maybe with a baby. And while the life that I have now is incredible and God has blessed me with way more than I deserve, i still wish for that life that i’ve dreamed of.

Its hard. Stepping out on faith and choosing to let go and let God. It really is and he looked at me and told me he understood. That it was a battle he also struggled with but he has decided to move forward everyday as best as he can and see what the Lord will provide for him.

Letting go and letting God is unfortunately always easier said than done. These are some verses that I found peace in, hopefully if you are fighting a similar battle, they help you as well.

Isaiah 43:18 “But forget all that–it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.

Job 17:9 the righteous shall move onward and forward; those with pure hearts shall become stronger and stronger.

Colossians 3:2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

Psalm 62:8 Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

Romans 8:28-29 And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose, because those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

With all my love,

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Shaken

I recently decided to stop dating the man I’ve been seeing for a few months. He is everything I have asked God for, and all of the things I didn’t know I needed. But in this decision to take some time apart, he asked a question that shocked me. His offensive question has been in my head non stop since he asked. The night before our winery date, where I realized he was someone I could picture as being incredibly important to me, I went on a date with someone else. We were both single adults and both still dating other people, but I’d made a choice that I have never been proud of and for whatever reason felt that the space he and I shared was safe enough to share this in. I have no idea why, but I did. We have never talked about that night, until now.

His question has brought up issues from my past that are more than 10 years old, and some that are newer that I have chosen to not deal with. I thought I had, but now I’m realizing that I’m broken still, just covered my a mask. A mask I didn’t even know I owned.

The decision I made that night was my right as a female, whose in control of her own body. Which may have been a part of the problem. So many times in my life that power has been taken from me, so to have the power and the control to make that choice on my own is where I believe that decision came from. It came from a place of need to fill a void, rather than allow it to remain empty and lonely. It came from a place where I needed to be WORTH something to someone.

It’s incredible to me that I thought this break was for him. For him to heal, and be as ready for me as I thought I was for him. But it turns out, I may be equally as broken, but in different ways.

Sexual abuse causes people to act out. In grownups, people assume you’re just being promiscuous. But sometimes there is an underlying cause that needs to be acknowledged. I’m Kristi. I’m a repeat victim of sexual abuse, and I’ve never healed from it. I’ve moved forward and allowed myself to ignore it, while also forgiving those individuals, but I’ve never healed and let it go. It’s been almost 4 years since the last incident, and I have allowed the control that he took from me to eat me up, silently, over the years. This is letting the bad guys win. Over and over again.

In a webinar for a Bible Study I’m about to start, the author said this “Insecurity and lies we believe can shake us to our core and the foundations of our hearts.” The lie that my worth is only found in the bedroom, from men that take what they need, is no longer going to control me. Join me in letting go of the lies that are holding you down, and acknowledge that they are prohibiting you from moving forward.