The whole point of life

The majority of my closest friends live an airplane ride distance away, and of those incredible women, some read my blog to stay up to date with me and what’s happening in my life. 
This weekend I was back in the DC area for one of these beautiful woman’s bachelorette parties and she’d mentioned that I hadn’t blogged in weeks. It’s funny how the majority of the times when I’ve blogged I’ve been hurting, frustrated or processing something. I blog to cope, un whined and let go of something. I rarely blog when I’m happy. 

My most recent post was about how i was giving up dating. What I managed to leave out, what that I was giving up dating UNLESS I got to date the one man I truly wanted right then. I didn’t want to date for the sake of dating. For the free meals and exciting activities around the city. I wanted to date because I was in search of the man id spend my life with. I’ve dated for fun before and it’s a great time for a little while, but also so exhausting. At one point I was juggling dates with 3,4 or 5 different guys a week, but in my head it was dating to meet people not find someone to settle down with. My intentions were purely to meet people while being new in this big city. Then I met J. 

While J was newly out of a very serious relationship when we met in January, on Tinder none the less, I remember telling my best friend Hannah the very next day that he was everything id been looking for. Even though the timing was off, I knew that I wanted to continue getting to know him as a friend, because you never know what can happen. 

My life has done a full 180 in the last 15 months. Not only has my life changed, but I’ve changed. The way I carry myself and see the world. The way I set goals and make plans. The way I treat my friendships and my relationship with Christ. My life is different in more ways than I possibly could describe here, but they have all been for the better. I’ve learned patience and a better understanding of compassion. I’ve learned to give without receiving and to love because Christ loved us. I’ve learned that prayer works and that God changes lives. I’ve learned that liquor will never be my friend, and been reminded that running is good for the soul. I’ve figured out how to stretch a dollar and make cheap easy meals with chicken. Ive learned to stand on my own two feet and follow my dreams. I’ve learned to love myself for who I am, and how to be who I truly am and not who I thought people needed me to be. 

Back to J. He is everything I’ve asked God for, and everything I’ve been praying for my entire life, as well as everything I didn’t know was possible. I’m not going to say he’s the one, because I’m still not sure (it’s only been a few months and he’s still healing), but if he’s not, he’s taught me so much about what I deserve. If it doesn’t work out, I’ve learned what’s possible in a partner, spouse and best friend. I’ve learned patience with healing. I’ve realized that the ring or last name change mean nothing, because we are already spending our lives together. And that is literally the whole point of this crazy thing we call life. To find someone to share your life with and who helps you love every second of it. 

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see us on the right track towards that future for us. I certainly see it headed in a serious direction. One wonderful thing about our relationship is our ability to communicate. I have never been in a relationship where our communication is so strong. He knows that I see this going somewhere serious, knowing that he’s not quite ready, which is okay. I regularly remind him that I’m not going anywhere and that he’s worth the wait. I’ve never been the woman to wait on a man. With all of my past relationships, I’ve been the one to say that I wanted it to go in a specific direction and they have agreed, So it’s gone there, or they haven’t and I’ve moved on. Whether that was making us exclusive, putting a title on it or saying I love you, I’ve made the move first. With J, I have allowed myself to stay slightly distant, while allowing him to heal at his speed without any added pressure from me. I have never been a patient woman, but with him it’s easy. I also have never felt so sure that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be, or so led to be where I am. What he doesn’t realize, is that I’ve prayed for him specifically every time I’ve gotten in my car since March 1st. I’ve prayed for his heart, his healing, clarity for his future and his goals, his family, his career and traveling, his relationship with God and us.

Making it a commitment to God to pray for J every time I get in the car has made my relationship with God stronger. Not because I’m seeing prayers answered, which I do think I am very slowly, but because I’m in constant communication with the Lord. I already was the woman I wanted to be but my relationship with Christ was lacking communication, passion and fire. Whether this relationship heads to something more serious or not, my life will have forever been changed by the lessons I’ve learned and the personal growth I’ve experienced. 

Keep your eyes open to the unexpected blessings that are thrown your way. Rather than trying to make the timing or the person work right now, like we tend to do, allow them to play out the way they’re supposed to. Gods blessings in our life are better than we ever could have imagined. 

He can find me

I realized recently that I’ve been single for just over a year. My last true relationship ended March 1, 2015. It still blows my mind looking back at everything that’s happened in the last 400ish days.
– ended my relationship with my ex.
– started the brainstorming process for moving to texas
– talked to my boss about me working remote, and received the blessing to move forward.
– went to Jamaica to see my best friend marry the love of her life
– became an aunt for the first time.
– ended my lease in va and shipped everything to TX
– completed 3 half marathons and a tough mudder
– became a certified yoga instructor
– drove 20+ hours cross country alone to move my entire life to Austin, while leaving all of my friends behind
– Moved into a 1  bedroom apartment and lived alone for the first time ever.
– Bought a house at 25
While all of that has been incredible, dating is still a pain in the butt. Even with everything that I’ve accomplished. If anything, I know myself better now that i ever have in my life but I’m still having trouble finding someone I want to share my life with.
Because of this, I’ve decided to take a dating hiatus. The goal is 6 months, but I’m going to start with 3 months and see how it goes, then decide from there if I want to date again or keep waiting. This has nothing to do with the men I’ve been on dates with over the last few months. It’s strictly about me. Wanting to not feel like i NEED someone to share my life with. Almost every big moment over the last few months I’ve wanted someone to share it with. But i don’t need a man to share my life with to make it better. My life is over pouring with so many blessing that i take for granted. So im quitting dating to focus on me and what I already have.
I deleted my Tinder and Match profiles this afternoon and already feel lighter. I will not go to dinner, coffee, grab drinks, or on blind dates. I also won’t get any more phone numbers. And I’m going to clean out the numbers that I already have.
I want this to be about me. I want to be in a place where when I do finally meet someone, I don’t feel the need to try and impress them, because I’m perfectly happy being who I am without them. I have so much pressure on myself, because so many friends are getting married and having babies. My parents are ready for grandkids and my grandparents are ready for great grandbabies. On top of that, social media pushes how much relationships are needed, while also pushing the independent life.
This quote is what got the idea started –
“There’s so much more to life than finding someone
who will want you, or being sad over someone who
doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent
discovering yourself without hoping someone will
fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t
need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself
with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being
on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the
woods with your friends, wander around the city
at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on
bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books,
 dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot.
Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life
like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself
and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful,
I promise.”
There are so many things I want to accomplish in this life and the majority of them can happen alone. I want to learn how to make wine. And learn how to paddleboard. Continue running and make it a priority. Explore the city of Austin. Make more girlfriends. Grow in my relationship with the Lord & trust that He has control of where I’m headed and who is in my future. Volunteer. Read more books. Do more yoga. Learn new cooking techniques. Get involved at church. Grow in my career & take on more responsibilities. Travel more. Spend more time with my family. Explore Texas and everything it has to offer that I haven’t experienced. Develop the relationships that I already have and let go of the ones that no longer serve me.
At the end of the day, I want someone who doesn’t need me in their life, but wants me in their life. Someone who loves me more when I have no makeup on, working from home, watching Greys Anatomy and crying because George died again (for the 9th time because I’m obsessed with the show). Someone who can get excited and support the big things happening in my life even though they may not be apart of it. Someone who understands that right now I come first in my life. That I’m not going to drop my bachelor/ette night with my girlfriends because I have him. I still have to put myself first some nights. Someone who understands how important seeing the world is to me, and wants to join me on those trips. Someone who wants to take care of Bentley and I, even though I can take care of us just fine. Someone who wants to bring more happiness into my already abundantly happy life.
I’m in charge of my own happiness. I don’t want to look at every man I meet and see if there is husband potential in him. I want someone who see’s a wife in me before I see a future with him, because then I’m truly focused on my growth now, rather than future possible growth. The dream is still the same. I want to meet an incredible man, who wants to love me forever and have beautiful babies. I’m not letting go of the dream. I’m just choosing to focus on myself and let him find me, rather than the other way around.