Shaken

I recently decided to stop dating the man I’ve been seeing for a few months. He is everything I have asked God for, and all of the things I didn’t know I needed. But in this decision to take some time apart, he asked a question that shocked me. His offensive question has been in my head non stop since he asked. The night before our winery date, where I realized he was someone I could picture as being incredibly important to me, I went on a date with someone else. We were both single adults and both still dating other people, but I’d made a choice that I have never been proud of and for whatever reason felt that the space he and I shared was safe enough to share this in. I have no idea why, but I did. We have never talked about that night, until now.

His question has brought up issues from my past that are more than 10 years old, and some that are newer that I have chosen to not deal with. I thought I had, but now I’m realizing that I’m broken still, just covered my a mask. A mask I didn’t even know I owned.

The decision I made that night was my right as a female, whose in control of her own body. Which may have been a part of the problem. So many times in my life that power has been taken from me, so to have the power and the control to make that choice on my own is where I believe that decision came from. It came from a place of need to fill a void, rather than allow it to remain empty and lonely. It came from a place where I needed to be WORTH something to someone.

It’s incredible to me that I thought this break was for him. For him to heal, and be as ready for me as I thought I was for him. But it turns out, I may be equally as broken, but in different ways.

Sexual abuse causes people to act out. In grownups, people assume you’re just being promiscuous. But sometimes there is an underlying cause that needs to be acknowledged. I’m Kristi. I’m a repeat victim of sexual abuse, and I’ve never healed from it. I’ve moved forward and allowed myself to ignore it, while also forgiving those individuals, but I’ve never healed and let it go. It’s been almost 4 years since the last incident, and I have allowed the control that he took from me to eat me up, silently, over the years. This is letting the bad guys win. Over and over again.

In a webinar for a Bible Study I’m about to start, the author said this “Insecurity and lies we believe can shake us to our core and the foundations of our hearts.” The lie that my worth is only found in the bedroom, from men that take what they need, is no longer going to control me. Join me in letting go of the lies that are holding you down, and acknowledge that they are prohibiting you from moving forward.

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Do not fear

The Bible tells us 365 times to not fear, so God has got to be pretty serious about that, but in moments of weakness we tend to forget how persistent he is.

I’m 25 years old with hip pain that’s preparing me to need a hip replacement much earlier than normal. I’m headed into my second hip MRI this afternoon, but this one is also an anthrogram. I have to be honest, I don’t remember the last time I was this nervous. They will be inserting multiple needles into my hip to numb the area before inserting a large needle full of dye. This dye is supposed to help visualize what’s going on in my hip, whether it’s a tear or a highly inflamed region. If its torn, surgery will be required to repair the torn area. If it’s not torn, we continue working on improving mobility, stretching, weight lifting, and will continue avoiding cardio until further notice.

I’ve been anxious researching the pain to be expected all day, with sweaty palms and an anxious tummy. I keep reminding myself how direct and repetitive God is about fear.

Psalm 56: 3-4 “3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. 4 In God, whose word I praise— in God I trust and am not afraid.”

John 14:27 “27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

Psalm 118:6 “6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”

Joshua 1:9 “9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

If you have a free second in your morning today, please send a prayer up for me. Pray for a lower level of anxiety and the best results we can ask for, which is no tear.

Have a blessed day!

With all my love,

Kristi