Expectations are not always reality

Have you ever dated someone that’s busier than you? 
I’ve always been the busy one in the relationship. The one that’s constantly on the go and has a planner full of dates and places I need to be. Until now. Now I live in a new place, where I have FOUR friends and the guy I’m seeing is insanely busy…all of the time. He’s a paramedic for a hospital in Austin and works 3 12 hour shifts a week. On top of that, he’s picking up extra shifts, spending time with his family, getting settled into the apartment we just moved him into and is prepping for school to start next month. 

My schedule compared to his, and compared to what it was in DC, is completely different than what I’m used to. Before I was working in an office 45-50 hours a week, lifting 4-5 times a week with my best girlfriends, was working at a yoga studio, while also practicing yoga a few times a week, and I had all of my friends to fill the rest of my open time with. Now, I work from home for those 45-50 hours a week, I practice yoga occasionally, go to bible study on Tuesday nights and spend time with the few friends I have. My life here is so quiet compared to the past few years of my life and I’m having to adjust to my significant other being busier than I am. It makes me feel like less of a priority, even though I know that’s the furthest thing from the truth. He does the best that he can with the extra time that he has, and I’m very grateful for that. 

When he and I first started seeing each other he wasn’t nearly as busy as he is right now. He’d have a few days off a week and we’d spend them together downtown, or at a new restaurant, ect. That time together filled the quiet space that I would have been spending alone, without time to process all of the changes that have happened the last 6 weeks. Now that his calendar is filling back up, and the reality of my move is really sinking in, im finally truly processing everything. I realized this week that I’m not moving back to DC. That this isn’t a long vacation where I live somewhere else away from all my friends, like my trip to Africa. I was in Africa for 6 weeks, which is exactly how long I’ve been in Austin now. This is also the longest I’ve ever been away from everyone I love. And processing all of this is harder than I imagined. 

So much has already happened in DC since I left. My best friend got engaged, AND married in less than 2 week period. My oldest and closest friend informed me that she’s pregnant with her first baby. Another close friend gave birth to her first child a few weeks after I moved. And my boss got promoted, which has shifted my whole team around. These are huge milestones that I wish I’d been in town for. Things I wish I could be more openly a part of, but now I can only do my best from a distance. 

Surprisingly, I haven’t cried too much since I’ve been here. For anyone who knows me well, I can cry at almost the drop of a hat. I miss so many people and already feel a bit forgotten by those that I love so much. But staying in touch with someone who lives long distance is so hard and I was warned before my move that relationships would fizzle out. These are the people I’ve been crying for. Those that filled my time while I was in DC. The people I’d call when I had a free evening to grab drinks, dinner, catch a movie, do anything with. 

All this quiet time alone is allowing me to breathe. And its taking me back to my yoga mat. I’ve been off my mat since my first week in Austin until yesterday. I decided it was time to turn Netflix off, get off the couch and do something I used to love so much. My first class back I was immediately reminded what it’s like to move with my breath and allow emotions to come up where they may. So far, the hour yoga classes I’ve taken are when I’ve felt the least homesick. The least depressed about how alone I’m feeling. But either way, homesick, depressed or unconditionally happy, my mat accepts me as I show up. 

I took a very late class tonight, 8:30-9:30pm hoping that I would find comfort. Not only did I find that, I found a release in the stress I’ve been holding in. I found a love for my body I haven’t had in weeks and a longing to listen closer to what I need right now in my life. 

Community is something that doesn’t happen over night. I had the unrealistic expectations set that I would move, immediately meet a ton of people, have an amazing schedule that I love and be beyond happy. Expectations are not reality. A move cross country is not an easy change, in fact it’s been very hard, and expecting it to be easy was ridiculous of me. 

The depression I’m feeling is also very real. But locking myself in my house with my dog isn’t going to make Austin feel more like home. Through baby steps, and slowly adding more into my routine, hopefully I’m my happy, healthy self in no time. 🙂

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‘Not yet, but soon’

I caught myself day dreaming in the Starbucks line today. I’d been enjoying the weather and was grabbing a green tea on the way back into the office, and my thoughts went to our company golf tournament that was hosted around this time last summer. I was there spending the day in the sun with reps from a number of the vendors I represent. One of my reps noticed my CZ ring on my left middle finger and asked when I’d gotten engaged. My answer was along the lines of ‘not yet, but soon’.

It’s incredible looking back at how much I truly believed that, ‘not yet, but soon’. And then seeing where I stand today.

My roommates birthday was this past weekend, and her brother is my ex, so obviously we saw each other. As weird as it was, it was so comforting to be out doing things that we used to enjoy together, with the friends that we both madly love. At one point we were hugging and I stuck my bottom lip out, something I’d done a million times, and was starting to tear up. It’s incredible how much as changed. But even more incredible how right the change feels.

In true white girl wasted fashion, obviously I was very concerned to know if he was watching me while we were out with my friends. Watching me dance with this body he never appreciate. The body I have been working harder than ever to tone up even more. Watching me have a blast with my girlfriends, proving to the both of us that I don’t need a man. That I can have an incredible time with the people that are in my life and that I’m not as shy as I used to be. That I’m finally coming out of my little shell because I’m realizing that I have to. To meet people, make new friends, find new joys in life and date, I have to lose some of the shell that has graciously protected me all of these years. So by all means, watch! Watch me enjoy my life beyond belief, stronger than I ever was with a man by my side, and more confident than I could have ever imagined.

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I really did believe it when I said ‘not yet, but soon’. Not too long after that event did I only then begin to realize that it was never going to happen in the relationship that I was in.  That I was more in love with the idea of the wedding, and settling for the safe relationship I was in, rather than starting from scratch and patiently waiting for the man that is being developed by my creator for me.

With a love as beautiful as Andrew and I shared, I can only imagine what God has in store for me next. Rather than trying to force something with the man in Austin, maybe I should take a step back, truly enjoy where I am and my last summer in Washington, DC while continuing to fall in love with myself and my girlfriends. Because in the end, they will always be the ones to pick me up when I’m down and encourage me when I don’t have any fight or power left in me.

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Until next time,

❤ your developing, but devoted yogi

I wish I was over trying to make him fit into MY life

Men are stupid and dating sucks. Anyone who tells you different is lying.

There is this man in Austin, whom I have been friends with since college. He’s one of those men that acts like an asshole in public, but is super sweet when none of the other guys are around. I call this his asshole complex. Because he’s the guy everyone loves, making jokes while being incredibly sarcastic, full of big opinions that he isn’t afraid to share, and can most likely drink you under the table. He really is the guy that everyone loves.

While we have been friends for years, I am not moving to Austin to be with him. Let’s get that straight right now. I’m not moving for him. I’m moving for family, and he’s just a very tiny small added bonus.

I say men are stupid and dating sucks because of my current situation with this man. We had briefly talked in college, and honestly that’s being generous, because it didn’t go anywhere, but have stayed friends over the years. With my upcoming move to Austin we have certainly reconnected over the last few months. So much so that he met my family over Memorial Day. Understand though that my family lives an hour from his house, which means that he spend 2 hours in the car round trip for a visit that wasn’t even 3 hours long.

His visit went over very well and obviously my family loved him the way I knew they would. My brother and aunt asked why we weren’t dating and my mom said she could see the electricity between us.

Within 10 minutes of him leaving, he asked what his first impression had been among my family. And my response was something along the lines of ‘why? That would imply that you cared.’ He proceed to tell me that my view of him was incredibly skewed. That he had changed a lot over the last few years and we really didn’t know each other anymore, but that his values hadn’t changed. All of which is absolutely true. We talked about my view of him and why it is the way it is, and it’s because it’s at least 3 years old. But I proceeded to tell him all of the things I still loved about him. His work ethic, values and relationships with family and friends, morals, generosity and sense of humor were just a few of the things I loved. But there were so many things I didn’t know, like how he felt about me and if the electricity I felt was mutual. His response, fairly, was well just have to see what happens when you get here in the fall.

Fast forward two weeks to this past weekend. He was in town for the weekend to spend time with friends from college. He asked that I pick him up from the airport, so I took the day off and we spent the day together with friends. We did the Nationals Archives museum just us, and had dinner with friends before heading to the bar for the evening. It was honestly a perfect day. Holding hands, spending time together, and catching up with friends. I can’t complain at all and honestly I felt like it was a good example of what life could be like together if we gave it a chance when I get there.

Friday night he got so drunk that he left the bar without saying goodbye to anyone, and I haven’t heard from him since.

At this point, I’m just so confused, and mad, and hurt and frustrated. Because I can’t decide how I should feel. Part of me feels like he used me for intimacy, got what he wanted and then threw me to the curb. Part wants to think it was just him with his college buddies which isn’t okay either but we’re not dating, and another part is mad that he treated me like that as a friend. Because before everything we were friends first.

I went to a friend and her words were the following: “Your confusion is completely valid and that’s why you feel ten different ways. I don’t think someone who is using you for sex drives 2 hours to meet your family. But I don’t think the way he treated you this weekend is fair at all dating or not dating you wouldn’t go to Texas and just completely ignore him and give no explanations.”

My problem, is that he is always someone that I have come back to. Someone that my soul is drawn to, and I don’t know why. Relationships have been ending and leading back to this man since 2009. Literally 2009. Thats 6 years this coming August that we have been playing this game.

Maybe its because he can make me laugh until I pee, or because he opens the doors for me. Or the fact that he finds joy in walking through antique shops just browsing, hiking to new places, and going to museums. Maybe its because he loves his lazy days just snuggled up with the pup, but also wouldn’t give up his time with friends. Or the fact that he remembers things I said years ago and can replay that moment back to me like it was yesterday. Maybe its the fact that I called him and said I want to come visit, and he immediately said book a trip! Maybe its because he loves his family, and talks about them more often than not. Or his love for travel, working hard, faith and fitness. Maybe its because he is someone that I have always thought could be someone special, but its never been the right timing.

We’ll just have to see where things lead with this mess. Because I can promise you, I will not be reaching out to him in the near future. He can take responsibility for his actions and take that step on his own. But at the same time, I desperately want to talk to him.

Overall, men are stupid and dating sucks. I can’t wait to see how this unfolds.