The next BIG adventure

I honestly can’t believe that this week is here.

My last week in the office with all of my coworkers. My last 3 days with my best friends. The people who have been by my side through everything that’s happened the majority of my life. The people who have supported every insane decision I’ve thought to pursue and every relationship that’s left me broken hearted. These are the people that have made me who I am. Who have believed in me when I didn’t and have allowed me to develop and evolve into my truest version of myself. I’m forever grateful for those who have loved and supported me through all of it. And I don’t know if I ever would have found the woman that I am now if it wasn’t for the past 10 months that I’ve had.

2015 has been the most influential year for me and my personal development. Learning more about what I want, and what I see for myself and my future. Acknowledging and accepting that I deserve better than a comfortable life. No one deserves a comfortable life. And that’s not a life I want for myself. I don’t want to be comfortable. I want to live a big and insane life because I know that I deserve that, and want that for myself. The magic only happens when you leave your comfort zone. Why limit myself to what I’m capable of? Why limit God to what He’s capable of?

I have a 3 day, 22 hour and 1,464 mile drive ahead of me, just me and Bentley. Driving through Virginia, North Carolina, Tennessee, Arkansas and Texas, and were doing it alone. After the summer I’ve had, truly the last 7 months, I can’t wait to have some time to deflate. This summer has been the most incredible to date. I have never felt more empowered, strong, independent and loved. And I’m incredibly blessed that I’ve had enough energy to keep up with everything I’ve wanted to do and all of the memories that I’ve been able to create.

I have 3 days left in DC. And they are packed with time with friends, celebration, booze, laughter, tears, love and happiness. I start saying my goodbyes today, and I’ve never been more ready. Because it’s not truly goodbye, but see you soon.

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‘Not yet, but soon’

I caught myself day dreaming in the Starbucks line today. I’d been enjoying the weather and was grabbing a green tea on the way back into the office, and my thoughts went to our company golf tournament that was hosted around this time last summer. I was there spending the day in the sun with reps from a number of the vendors I represent. One of my reps noticed my CZ ring on my left middle finger and asked when I’d gotten engaged. My answer was along the lines of ‘not yet, but soon’.

It’s incredible looking back at how much I truly believed that, ‘not yet, but soon’. And then seeing where I stand today.

My roommates birthday was this past weekend, and her brother is my ex, so obviously we saw each other. As weird as it was, it was so comforting to be out doing things that we used to enjoy together, with the friends that we both madly love. At one point we were hugging and I stuck my bottom lip out, something I’d done a million times, and was starting to tear up. It’s incredible how much as changed. But even more incredible how right the change feels.

In true white girl wasted fashion, obviously I was very concerned to know if he was watching me while we were out with my friends. Watching me dance with this body he never appreciate. The body I have been working harder than ever to tone up even more. Watching me have a blast with my girlfriends, proving to the both of us that I don’t need a man. That I can have an incredible time with the people that are in my life and that I’m not as shy as I used to be. That I’m finally coming out of my little shell because I’m realizing that I have to. To meet people, make new friends, find new joys in life and date, I have to lose some of the shell that has graciously protected me all of these years. So by all means, watch! Watch me enjoy my life beyond belief, stronger than I ever was with a man by my side, and more confident than I could have ever imagined.

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I really did believe it when I said ‘not yet, but soon’. Not too long after that event did I only then begin to realize that it was never going to happen in the relationship that I was in.  That I was more in love with the idea of the wedding, and settling for the safe relationship I was in, rather than starting from scratch and patiently waiting for the man that is being developed by my creator for me.

With a love as beautiful as Andrew and I shared, I can only imagine what God has in store for me next. Rather than trying to force something with the man in Austin, maybe I should take a step back, truly enjoy where I am and my last summer in Washington, DC while continuing to fall in love with myself and my girlfriends. Because in the end, they will always be the ones to pick me up when I’m down and encourage me when I don’t have any fight or power left in me.

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Until next time,

❤ your developing, but devoted yogi

Just show up

I didn’t come looking for anything when I came to yoga. I was just told to show up. What does that even mean? Just show up? It took me about a year and a half to understand that. Teachers would tell me, and the class, that nothing mattered as long as you showed up to your mat.

I’m not a competitive person, but the days where I feel my practice is at it’s best, I am the most proud. I have brought everything on to my mat. Bad days at work, bad news with friends, friends death, exhaustion, run down and burnt out. I have brought every form of myself, but my mat has never turned me away. My mat is one place that I don’t have to explain the emotions that show up. And that’s when I understood it. Just show up on your mat. The thoughts you were thinking, the stressors you were focused on, the laundry list you were creating – leave it behind and just show up. The emotions that you bring, that is your truest self. Regardless of what those feelings are. I have laid and cried on my mat after finding out the worst news of my best friends divorce. I remember laying in savasana with the most silent tears pouring out of my eyes. And my mat didn’t ask questions. It just accepted what showed up.

I’ve found that no two practices are the same. I have long narrow feet so balancing poses are sometimes extra difficult. Especially if I’m having a bad day balancing. I’m grateful that my mat is there on the bad days and doesn’t laugh. And on the good days I have room to celebrate.

I also have an extra vertebrae in my cervical spine, so back bends are amazing but camel is painful and tough. My mat accepts me fully, however I come. It’s incredible to know that on my worst days I can show up and be successful, fulfilled completely, as well as empowered.

Because of yoga, I am a more confident, happier and more beautiful person. I have found that the world is more beautiful, and what we surround ourselves with, is what we tend to become and reflect. My mat is a place where I can perform for myself. Where I can push myself to my limit, or just focus on my breath. It is a place for rest, and hard work. It’s a place to play what I have been practicing, and try what I’m scared of. It’s a place where falling isn’t frowned upon, and help is always accepted. Even better than that, the yoga studio provides the same things, along with a family of people who wants you to succeed as much as you do.

Whatever shows up is fine, as long as you do show up.