Whole heartedly reminded 

So often in life are we completely humbled by the lack of control that we have on our own lives and whole heartedly reminded of who’s completely in charge.
I’ve been in the first stage of homebuying for a month now, and id be lying if I said that it hasn’t been a roller coaster every day since putting my earnest money deposit down. Each day has provided something, whether is anxiousness from waiting to hear from another loan officer, excitement looking through pinterest or disappointment at unwanted news. 

The first few weeks I found myself constantly in prayer. Asking God to keep His hand on this entire process, to lead me in the direction that is best for His plan and to provide me comfort when that direction isn’t where I would like to be headed. Then things were amazing because id been pre-approved for the loan and knew I was buying a house. Like car loans, you shop around to different banks, credit unions and mortgage companies to see who is going to provide the best offer. The loan that I was approved for isn’t great and it required me to put down more than im capable of putting down. It was a loan I didn’t know I couldn’t take because of my own circumstances, and the other loan companies were approving less than I needed for my home. 

Today on the way home from San Antonio I found myself in tears. Tears of disappointment and let down. I have felt SO empowered the last 4 weeks because I was going to be able to do something so big all by myself, as a single, 25 year old woman. WHAT an accomplishment. That empowered young woman was completely crushed today. Crushed to hear that I’m not going to be able to purchase the home that I’ve been dreaming about because of credit card debt. And were not even talking about a lot that’s standing in my way. If I could get rid of a $3000 credit card bill I would be approved for the loan that I want.

That’s it. $3000 is standing between me and the loan. I look back to what that credit card was for, and I know it was worth the loss of the house. My goldendoodle ate an 8inch octopus kitten toy April 2015 at 6 months old, and this credit card is what paid for his $6500 surgery to have it removed. While the loss of this opportunity is big, but the loss of my puppy would have been astronomical for me.

I’m humbled by how God is working in my life. This has made me realize how little I talk to Him when things are going my way. I was praying nonstop waiting to hear if the loan was approved, and the moment I heard it was I thanked God and went back to my life without him talking to him. While not purchasing a home now is the opposite of what I want, I’m sure a better opportunity will present itself when the timing is right! 

❤ 

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Be empowered by what YOURE capable of. 

I caught myself in tears twice today.  
I know they say love will find you when you least expect it but it’s impossible to not look for it. Especially when your closest friends are getting married and talking about having babies. It’s impossible to not crave for that when I’ve wanted it every moment of my life. It’s impossible. 
Less than 96 hours ago I was trying to convince one of my best friends to go to the ESPN women’s conference with me. she asked why it would be worth SO much money. Which is a more than fair question since it’s over 2 grand for a 3 day long conference not include travel expenses. I sent her the following – 

“The speakers for sure. But honestly it’s the fact that it’s women from ALL walks of life and industries. I was looking into this most when I was thinking about opening a studio. Some of the most famous yogi women were teaching and speaking at this conference. Getting to talk to my role models would change my life and help me narrow my focus. 

It’s a 3 day conference. Some of the women speaking are also teaching. I could take the classes my role models were teaching. And then listen to them talk about how they got to where they are now. 

Women empowerment is something I have always felt strongly about but even more so in the last 15 months. 

Media is finally trying to teach women that we can do what we want. That we don’t need MEN to support us or our dreams because we’re perfectly capable without them.”

I texted her during this meltdown about how I faithfully trust that God has a plan for me but that I’m getting impatient. I’m ready for the man that is going to help me take care of the house I just bought. The one who is going to help me make it a home. And fill it with the sounds of our children playing. 
She turned right around and provided so much encouragement. She even reminded me of everything I had said to her not even 3 days ago. 

“this may not help but it took matt 31 years to find his forever bae 😊 i know you’re impatient but you have to practice patience. maybe this is your challenge in life right now. i promise he will find you when you least expect it. it always happens that way. when you fully stop searching and just let fate be, everything you’ve done in the past year you’ve done for you and you must celebrate that. i know you want to share those things with someone else but those aren’t the cards you were dealt. maybe you were dealt these cards so that you can focus on you (something that took lots of guts and courage for you to do)

i know it sucks not having someone there and it’s easier for me to say because i do. but you make me very proud. i could never buy a house on my own (well because i don’t have a job lol) and you did that!! or buy my own car. you’re doing things i couldn’t probably never do. and now i have to do these things with matt. so you’re my inspiration and example of “i don’t need a man.” i look up to you on those things 

And look what you just wrote me: “Media is finally trying to teach women that we can do what we want. That we don’t need MEN to support us or our dreams because we’re perfectly capable without them.” ”
Someone at happy hour tonight told me to imagine bundling up all of the love and compassion I’ve put into every relationship and think about receiving that. THAT is who I’m patiently waiting for. Someone who is going to love me as fiercely and passionately as I love them. That is what the whole wait is for. THAT person. THAT kind of love. That’s what we’re waiting for. Stay patient. Don’t settle. 

Please feel empowered by the things happening in YOUR life. You have the struggles and celebrations in your life for now for a reason. And the people who are by your side, or not yet by your side, are as involved as they’re suppose to be right now. 

I’m single. Painfully single. Because big things are happening, like buying my first home, and I don’t have a significant other in my life to share this moment with. But THAT is what makes it so empowering. Because I am doing it all by myself. 

Find your tribe and love them hard. They are the ones who remind us of our strength when we can’t find it ourselves. But learn to be empowered by the choices you’re making in your life. Believe in them and that they are happening in the exact moment that they should. 

God,

I ask that you take the envy and jealousy that I have for my engaged, married and pregnant friends away. I know that path you have planned for me is more incredible than I can ever imagine. Please take my heart and make it yours. I trust your plan. 

Amen