Stillness

I am rarely a still person. I’m constantly on the go, whether that’s actually physically always moving or simply not being able to quiet my mind. On top of constantly being on the go, I’ve recently been working through some anxiety. I’ve always been slightly anxious in stressful situations but never enough to say ‘I suffer from anxiety’…until recently. 
It absolutely could be related to the large number of changes happening in my life. And I don’t doubt that at all. But i wish I was processing it differently. 

A lot has been finalized in the last 7 days. I finished packing up my apartment. Got the moving company completely finalized with dates and inventory. Made sure the hotels for my drive in October were confirmed and dog friendly rooms were in place for my pup and I. I applied for an apartment – and because of my great credit history and clean criminal record I should be approved no problem! Made sure the storage unit in Austin was all ready to go and confirmed with USAA that my things are covered when in the storage unit. The moving company came and took all of my things away and I cleaned out my apartment. I’m officially moved out!! Needless to say, it’s been a very busy 7 days. 

I went to yoga on the evening of day 2 in that mess and my low blood sugar made me feel weird, so I spent most of class in extended child’s pose or savasana where I proceeded to nap. After class ended, the girl next to me asked if i was okay! So sweet of her. But I didn’t realize how much all of those details, especially finding an affordable apartment, were effecting me. And how badly I just needed to be still. Making it to my mat was the most important part of my day yesterday. Even after everything that got accomplish, just being there, and taking up space and holding the class was so necessary. 

I woke up this morning exhausted. Like I always am. But refreshed. And relived. That things were still falling into place. Just like I always knew they would. 

Advertisements

#shocked

At some point I realized that this day would come. The day when I find out that my ex is seeing someone else. 

I think shocked is the best way to describe what I’m feeling. Because I still agree that I made the right decision. And I still believe with everything in my body that I’m on the path that was chosen for me. But it doesn’t make this moment any easier. The moment when I realized the person that could never commit to me is committed to someone else. I can’t help but wonder, what does she have to offer him that I never could, or never did? Does she make her happier than I did? Is this just a rebound, or does she actually have potential?

While none of these answers will ever do me any good, or matter, the questions are still there. 

  

Leaving a relationship is tough. Even though I ended this one, I didn’t expect him to be the first to move on. I suppose I’ve had my opportunities, but with my upcoming move I made the executive decision to not date in DC. Mainly because I’m not staying in the area for anyone and a long distance relationship from the place I just moved away from doesn’t sound promising. Nonetheless, today’s news came as a shock to me. I sat at my computer and stared at the gchat box from my roommate who had broken the news. And I cried. I even typed back to her that I didn’t know why I was upset, I just was. Maybe because it was actually over now. It had always been over, but now that he had moved on, it really was over. 

Ironically enough, exactly 2 months, 60 days, from today I will be arriving at my parents house. This will mark the completion of my and Bentleys cross country, 1505 mile, drive from Washington, DC to Austin, TX. What a day to hear news! Because it’s a big day for me too. My last 2 months in the area. And I’m more sure and committed to the decision I made.

If anything, today’s news just reaffirmed everything I already knew. That God has a plan in mind, and I’m completely unaware of it. Because of this acceptance, I feel more confident and at peace with the new life and chapter that lie ahead for me in TX, being fully reliant on God. And that my previous relationship was no longer serving me, growing me or providing me the happiness that I needed. 
  
 

Stress eating

I had a doctors appointment today. One of those appointments where they call and say we need you to come back in so we can run some tests. Not because anything is wrong but because something isn’t right. Appointments like this give me incredibly high anxiety. It becomes the only thing I can really focus my mind and stress on. It messes with my sleep and with my eating patterns. Makes me sensitive and irritable. Keep in mind, we haven’t found anything bad yet. But my brain automatically runs to this place. The place where fear and negativity take over.
As a regularly very positive person, this place is highly exhausting. I’m physically more tired running ‘what if’ scenarios though my head than I am after a 5 mile run. But I also find that these are the situations where I turn to food. I hadn’t even left my office yet to go to the doctor and I was already thinking about what unhealthy guilty treat I was going to pick up. Maybe Taco Bell? Or a pint of ice cream? Lucky for me both ice cream and Taco Bell are near my doctors office. 

But then I think about my cleanse. How I’m supposed to be detoxing my body of the things that don’t provide it what it needs. I’m supposed to be challenging myself to 24 days of fairly strict dieting to see if 20 weeks for a competition is even possible. I remember my goal. My goal to be the healthiest, best version of myself that I can be. For myself.

When I think back on those goals, the idea of that guilty treat is no longer desired. Because it’s not what I even really wanted. And I knew it wouldn’t make me feel better, but in that moment it may have filled a void. I’m a stress eater. I always thought I might be, but in this moment I realized I absolutely am. Because I am stressed. My anxiety level has been high since 1:10 yesterday afternoon when I found out I needed to go back in this week for tests. It hasn’t even been 24 hours since the call and I’m headed to the doctors. Rather than turning to food, I’m challenging myself to turn to healthier options. Maybe a second green tea from Starbucks, a piece of fruit or a nap. Something that will improve me rather than cause a step backwards. Because bad news shouldn’t cause a detour in the road toward improvement!