Second Guessing

I’m not ready to believe that today is June 30. Because if it is, that means it’s the last day of the fiscal 3rd quarter. Which automatically means I’m working a 12-14+ hour day. That also means tomorrow is the first day of Q4, which is busy season. It’s crazy, hectic, draining, exhausting and exhilarating at the same time. I talk to more customers and process more orders between July 1 and sept 30 than I do the entire rest of the year.

That almost means I’m less than half way to my moving date. On March 1st when I started playing with this idea I honestly didn’t think it would truly happen. But within a matter of 6 weeks I told my boss, told my roommate, reserved and paid for a moving company to pick up and ship my stuff, bought a plane ticket to visit the city and broke the news to my parents. Now I can see the finish line, my girlfriends wedding on October 17. I’ll be waking up and moving the very next morning. And today we’re at 3 1/2 months out. I literally can’t believe it. Especially since a lot of my summer is already booked with plans. Plans to make memories with every person in my life that I possibly can. Plans that’ll consistently blow up my Instagram and Facebook. But memories that will hold me late at night when I’m homesick.

Can you even be homesick when you’ve moved your home? I think you can. My home is with people. It really always has been. It’s wherever my parents are. It’s wherever my family, my people, are. I’m leaving a lot of family in DC. Family I’m so grateful to have. Family that have been by my side since high school and family that have become sisters in the last few short months.

I have never questioned something the way I’m questioning this move.  I’ve also never had something break my heart the way this move has. Breaking it in ways that I need. To make me stronger. More confident & more independent. To remind me that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. To want what’s best for ME because it’s what I want. To remind my that following your dreams takes a leap of faith into a dark hole and praying something good will be at the bottom. It’s teaching me to trust my instincts and go with my gut. And it’s reminding me of the faith I’ve always had in a greater plan, and that His plan is better and greater than mine.

With everything it’s teaching me, I have never been more confident that this move is everything I need right now. As scary as it is, it really is exactly what I need this year.

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Documentation

I have never documented my training for half marathons. Honestly, because the progress has never been worth documenting. And I’ve really only done the weekend long runs, rather than adding in the short runs and strength training during the week like suggested.

My upcoming race is on my 25th birthday, September 12th, and I have a goal to PR at 2:30hrs. With this goal in mind, I think I can be wildly successful, plus I’d love to start 25 off with a bang and a personal record would definitely qualify as such.

I will also continue weight lifting 4 x per week, practicing yoga at least twice weekly, in addition to the 4 run per week training schedule. While this sounds extreme, and maybe slightly insane, I am INCREDIBLY excited to see how my body reacts to all of the work out mix ups. I’ve started to plateau some, and the intention is that my body will constantly be shocked and allows growth and change to continue happening.

These pictures were taken the evening of Day 1 of training. (I apologize for my puppy and my incredibly messy room. I didn’t even think about the background when I took the photo. Woops! ) This is at 134.5lbs, which is already 7lbs up from where I was in April when I started lifting, so the weight gain is muscle. I continued eating an 80/20 clean diet, while increasing my protein and water consumption, and limiting my carbohydrates, processed foods and caffeine.

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On top of the half marathon training plan, I have started playing with the idea of competing in a bikini fitness competition. I’m not sure that I have the will-power to be able to compete in something like that, simply because I love food so much, and those diets are pretty limited. But I’m going to do my research and see what I can learn!

To bigger and better things!

Just happy

I catch myself smiling at nothing pretty often these days. Smiling while driving. Smiling at my computer. Or while reading a book. Walking Bentley, showering or watching tv. It’s incredible to me how truly happy I am. 

I spent a very good portion of the last 6 months of 2014 and first few of 2015 convincing myself that I was happy. Not to say I wasn’t happy, but I was more comfortable than happy. I haven’t convinced myself of anything since March 1st. I haven’t even talked myself into saying yes to anything yet. I just do it. And so far, I’ve had the greatest summer of my life and technically summer doesn’t start until tomorrow. I’ve spend so much time with so many friends. I am constantly reminded of how truly blessed and loved I am. I’m surrounded by people whom I love, and that love me. That alone is a blessing. 

The photo on my locked screen of my phone is the following picture. I’ve made it the mantra for my life. 

  
Think about that. Anything or anyone that doesn’t bring you fully alive is too small for you. 

I caught myself late last year consistently sad, but telling myself that I’d have the things I wanted in another life. I have never once believed that I’d have another chance at this life, so why now? Why believe that I’ll get to try this again? Why not just live the way I want to now, while I have the chance to?

Do what makes you happy. Live in ways that bring your soul fully alive and never settle for anything less than you deserve. Life is too short, so say yes to trying new things, spending time with friends and staying out late when you’re exhausted. Life is driven by the memories in your past and the excitement for the future, but you need people to help encourage and develop. Focus on those relationships. Memories are worth more than things. Invest wisely. 

❤ 

Counting down

I realized yesterday that in exactly 4 months I will have already driven half way to Texas. It’s amazing to think that I made the decision to move over 3 1/2 months ago and now I only have 4 months left. Time is literally flying by. 

I looked at my calendar to see what is planned for this summer and I have something planned literally every weekend except two. TWO weekends free from now until Sept 1st. Then it’s busy season at work and I’ll blink and it’ll be October 1st.

I feel like I’ve finally found my place in northern Virginia again. As a single person, without family close to me, established in a good job with lots of friends near by. I know my friends family close enough where we ask about each other. I hate that i finally have this, after only having my exes friends for so long. Honestly, they were who we spent all of our time with. But now I have my own people. That love me for me and what I have to offer. Who understand how I see the world and support my goals and dreams. Friends who inspire me and empower me to be better. Friends that truly are family. Some of the greatest people in my life I’ve gotten close to in the last 4 months and leaving them sucks. 

I’ve started second guessing my decision to move. Not enough to actually stay, but I’m having SO much fun with all my friends here that I don’t want to leave then. But I know I’ll make friends in Texas, but they won’t be the people I have here. That I’m creating a summer full of memories with. 😦 it’s a little sad when I think about it for too long. 

Starting over with just 3 friends. One of which is a jerk face man that I’m not even talking to right now. But the other two are incredible girls that I can’t wait to spend every moment making memories with!!

‘Not yet, but soon’

I caught myself day dreaming in the Starbucks line today. I’d been enjoying the weather and was grabbing a green tea on the way back into the office, and my thoughts went to our company golf tournament that was hosted around this time last summer. I was there spending the day in the sun with reps from a number of the vendors I represent. One of my reps noticed my CZ ring on my left middle finger and asked when I’d gotten engaged. My answer was along the lines of ‘not yet, but soon’.

It’s incredible looking back at how much I truly believed that, ‘not yet, but soon’. And then seeing where I stand today.

My roommates birthday was this past weekend, and her brother is my ex, so obviously we saw each other. As weird as it was, it was so comforting to be out doing things that we used to enjoy together, with the friends that we both madly love. At one point we were hugging and I stuck my bottom lip out, something I’d done a million times, and was starting to tear up. It’s incredible how much as changed. But even more incredible how right the change feels.

In true white girl wasted fashion, obviously I was very concerned to know if he was watching me while we were out with my friends. Watching me dance with this body he never appreciate. The body I have been working harder than ever to tone up even more. Watching me have a blast with my girlfriends, proving to the both of us that I don’t need a man. That I can have an incredible time with the people that are in my life and that I’m not as shy as I used to be. That I’m finally coming out of my little shell because I’m realizing that I have to. To meet people, make new friends, find new joys in life and date, I have to lose some of the shell that has graciously protected me all of these years. So by all means, watch! Watch me enjoy my life beyond belief, stronger than I ever was with a man by my side, and more confident than I could have ever imagined.

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I really did believe it when I said ‘not yet, but soon’. Not too long after that event did I only then begin to realize that it was never going to happen in the relationship that I was in.  That I was more in love with the idea of the wedding, and settling for the safe relationship I was in, rather than starting from scratch and patiently waiting for the man that is being developed by my creator for me.

With a love as beautiful as Andrew and I shared, I can only imagine what God has in store for me next. Rather than trying to force something with the man in Austin, maybe I should take a step back, truly enjoy where I am and my last summer in Washington, DC while continuing to fall in love with myself and my girlfriends. Because in the end, they will always be the ones to pick me up when I’m down and encourage me when I don’t have any fight or power left in me.

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Until next time,

❤ your developing, but devoted yogi