It’s incredible how quickly things can change in such a short amount of time. Monday will be one month since Andrew and I broke up. Honestly, I feel like it has been so much longer than that already. My healing process has surprised me in so many ways, but mostly because I’m not sad about this new life. When we took our time apart after Thanksgiving, I was so upset and cried so often, that I truly believe I was mourning the death of our relationship. So now that its actually over, the mourning has already happened and I’m just getting to live. I wrote Andrew every day that week we were apart. I never shared it with him, but wanted to share it with someone. Reading back, I can’t believe how much I was willing to give up for someone who rarely gave things up for me. Knowing this know, and looking back, I am so grateful for this opportunity to live my life again on my terms.
Monday – I so badly wanted to be by your side all day today. And wanted to chat and tell you everything. Everything that I’m feeling, how dry my eyes are from crying all night, and the whole way into work this morning. And then again when Rebecca asked what was wrong. I realize that my timeline is unrealistic. And I don’t want to hold you to it, or myself to it, because ultimately it isn’t want I want anymore. I don’t want to get married at 22 and have babies at 25. I want to graduate from grad school, stay at Carahsoft for a few more years, buy a home, and open a yoga studio. I don’t have to get married to do those things, but I think a next step would be very helpful in my confidence that we are headed in the right direction. I think moving in together would be a great next step. I know it will be more expensive than you are paying right now, but I think us moving in together would be the right step. So that I can wake up next to you and go to bed next to you every day. When I really think about marriage, I’m reminded by all my friends that say how hard being married is. And I’m not in a rush to get to that hard chapter when what we have is so easy. We are so blessed to have that easy, very communicative relationship. When I dream of getting married, it’s not the ring or the party. It’s the daily interaction. The waking up and go to sleep by your side. When we aren’t working, going to the gym, or participating in the other activities that separate our lives from each other, at least I would always have time guaranteed to seeing you every single day. I’ve also realized that my head and my heart are having trouble seeing eye to eye. Because my heart is fully on board with leaving the old timeline, not having one and focusing on grad school and the studio, but my head is so stuck on the old timeline. And just when I’ve convinced my head, it starts messing with my heart again. It also doesn’t help that I have friends getting engaged, married and having babies all of the time on facebook. I love you. More today than yesterday, and even deeper than I ever realized. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to imagine my life without you.
Renee and I were on gchat while I was at work and she had great advice.
“Renee: keep singing your heart out in the car, too
me: yeah i am. I’ve been trying to think about why I’m sad, like you suggested
me: and i think I’ve decided that I’m sad that i tried to stick so much to the timeline that my mom had for herself, and have never really decided for myself what i wanted. not that my mom ever told me what it should be, but i just respect her so much that i think i decided 10 years ago that it would be good for me too. and i never included the idea that a significant other would have something different in mind
Renee: That makes sense, and it’s worth figuring out. Definitely a huge life lesson
me: i don’t actually think it has anything to do with Andrew at all. I’ve never been good at living for right now, in this moment. I’ve always focused on 15 minutes in the future. and an entire life of living that way is so exhausting. but so hard to get out of the mindset of not having a plan
Renee: Yes. All of that.
me: so wherever we go on Sunday, I want to burn the timeline. start fresh
Renee: I think that’s a great idea
me: and create a list of things that i want to accomplish with no end date
Renee: and if you don’t, life has a way of burning it for you. That sounds wonderful.
me: 🙂 now i just wish these next 11 days can go by quickly so i can tell Andrew haha
Renee: And even that is still planning. so here, I’m making a new plan for you: Find happiness.. That’s it.
me: still planning, but less control. but i think i have that already
Renee: then you’re ahead of the game
me: maybe not as much as i should, and there is always room for improvement, but i am definitely living a happy life
Renee: good. that’s all anyone can ask for
me: i realized that with living so focused on the future, you forget about right now. and the future isnt promised at all
Renee: Exactly. Things will always be there to throw a curve ball
me: i have this idea that ill get to the gates at the end of my life, and i want to be able to tell God that i used every ounce of talent, and passion that he provided me, and right now i don’t think i can honestly say that
Renee: but if you’re already thinking about getting on base before you swing, you’ll miss it
me: yeah that’s true
Renee: And you have a lot of passion. which is why I think you struggle with this. you’re passionate about your career, your family, your relationship, your friends, your life. So you’re excited to hurry up and live it. but you already are
me: yeah i think that’s exactly right. yeah i definitely forget about the right now
Renee: I went through the same thing. but what I got from it was “if I’m not happy right now, I shouldn’t wait around to see if I’m happy in the future. Get happy, now.”
me: yeah i think that’s absolutely right. I’ve been writing all of this down, like a 2 week love letter for Andrew or maybe not for him, but to see how i process through the 2 weeks
So busy, all day. I wanted to vent to you about life, and couldn’t.
I read this, and it was so helpful. http://thoughtcatalog.com/bianca-sparacino/2014/11/how-to-ruin-your-life-without-even-noticing-that-you-are/
You do make my cells dance, and I have learned that this is more than just a person to sleep beside, or someone to have so that I’m not alone. It’s never been about not wanting to be alone because that’s not something I’m scared of. When we first started dating you thought it was weird that I took myself out on dates alone. But being comfortable enough to do that was such a big deal for me, and it probably has made us a stronger couple without even realizing it. I do have my own dreams, and I do know what inspires me. That’s what makes us such an incredible couple, a power couple in my eyes, that we can inspire each other and ourselves, that we don’t need to be together at every moment or talk to each other from the second we wake up to the moment we fall asleep. This relationship is the biggest blessing in my life because we are such individual people, but such a strongly connected couple as well.
On Saturday when I suggested this time apart, I wasn’t sure if this was something that would continue much longer. Knowing if you wanted a life with me was so much more important than actually having a life with you. The life we have is so great, and imperfect, but so beautiful. The way I connect with you and feel like myself. The way I can let loose and be myself. The way that you challenge my political beliefs, which I usually don’t even know enough about to be arguing and get pissy. I always get pissy about it and you love me the same. The life I want with you is a once in a lifetime love. It’s a great love that is deep, and real. A love that is safe enough for me to be a version of myself that I didn’t even know existed. I want a forever life with you. Regardless of what you know now, or at the end of this silent period, or even if you decide you don’t know at all. Our life is happening now, and it’s something that I want to take day by day with you, no matter what you may have learned over these few days. This is a much bigger decision for you than it is for me, and I don’t want to pressure you to become something that I know you will become eventually when you aren’t ready. I have known for years that you were my person, the person I want to tell everything to and want in my life for every beautiful, sad and ugly moment. Because you are the best person I know, and the most honest support I have, and need.
- Why something upsets them. Being in a solid relationship means being vulnerable. The happiest and healthiest relationships are built off of honesty and trust, and the only way to get there is to tell your partner when something is bothering you or upsetting you. The strongest couples out there are the ones who know how to sit down and talk to each other when something is upsetting one of them or throwing off the balance in the relationship. If these uncomfortable things are avoided, the tension and unease and even anger come out in other ways. So do yourself a favor and copy the happy ones – talk to your partner when something is bothering you.
- Things they’re afraid of wanting. Wanting something can be scary. It doesn’t matter if you want a big family or a long career or a fulfilling spiritual life or a beautiful front porch swing. It’s hard to want something when you know there’s a chance you won’t get it. There’s a chance your heart will crave it so badly and then get crushed when it doesn’t happen. But you can’t avoid something just because you’re afraid of not getting it. And that’s often where your significant other comes in. They tell you to want it and work for it. They tell you it’s okay to want it, and more importantly, they tell you that it’ll be okay if you don’t get it. They will still love you and they will help you to want other things. The happiest people in relationships don’t just want something and then give up if it doesn’t happen. Instead, they want something, and then if it doesn’t happen, they go after something else. With the constant support of their partner, of course.
- Goals and desires. Happy couples don’t just talk about where they’d like to be in five years or what their proudest accomplishment has been so far. They tell each other who they want to be someday. They go through the relationship knowing who they are and who they both want to become. Being in a relationship doesn’t just mean loving your partner for who they are today. It means loving them for who they want to be in 3 weeks or 5 years or 25 years. People grow and change and relationships have to grow along with them, or it’s not going to last. The happiest relationships are composed of two people who are always telling each other what they want and how they are going to achieve it.
I went looking for the YouTube video of you playing guitar for me on Valentine’s Day and wasn’t able to find it. 😦
My first Friday night without having spoken to you. A night I usually spend with you. In your arms. Every car I passed looked like yours. I kept hoping you would drive past me on your way home just so I could see you. I’ve also opened the door into the house and on my way out hoping something was there from you. I hate this. I hate this time apart. I hate that my eyes are constantly tired, sore and dry from crying. I hate not knowing what you’re processing through. I hate not knowing what your day was like, or how this project is going. Or how our son is doing. Or fantasy. It’s the first time I actually wanted to know because it would be something you care about. I miss you. Every part. The ones I love and the habits that drive me crazy. The kisses you give me and holding your hand. Singing in the car. Laying in bed and falling sleeping with you next to me. Your forehead kisses. Those are my favorite. But mostly just being in your presence. Even without the kisses, hand holding and intimacy. I miss your soul mixing with mine. I miss how calm your presence makes me. How quickly you can help me forget about the stresses in my world and remind me of how blessed and good our life is. And how much you love me. With every flaw, cranky attitude, and curse word that comes with me. You love me for me. For the being that I am and how I show up. And I am so grateful that you accept me the way I show up.
It’s funny how this week is the week before my period, so I’m usually cranky, and want to spend time alone, and get annoyed easily with you but not with the rest of the world. Those roles have completely switched this week. Everything at work has set me off and all
I have wanted is to be by your side for every second of this week. You don’t realize how close someone is to you, and how necessary a relationship is in your life, until it’s completely gone.
You’re the love of my life. The peanut butter to my jelly. My travel buddy. My gambling teacher. My companion. My partner in life and in love. My cheerleader and biggest fan. You’re my best friend and my family. And I don’t want to live my life without you.
Hannah and I set up the Christmas tree and decorations tonight. Chris brought pizza and we watched elf and decorated sugar cookies. I wish you’d been here with us.
You keep showing up in my dreams at night. I haven’t slept well since Sunday and last night you were right next to me in bed. Playing on your phone while I sleep. Just like always. But last nights dream was so vivid. I could tell while I was sleeping that i didn’t want to wake up. I was so happy to be seeing you. Finally. And I was so grateful that we we’re talking too each other again.
Seeing your facebook and how much fun you seemed to be having made me sad. Because I wanted to be having fun with you. But I was sad at home instead.
I believe this is the most alone I’ve ever felt. I never realize how loud the quiet can be. I was studying for my yoga quiz and the silence was so loud that I couldn’t concentrate. When I have too much alone time I catch myself crying. Crying over the time we’ve lost. And the time I wanted with you. Crying about my stupid timeline and how I let it ruin everything. It comes in waves. I’ll be fine, singing in the car on the way home from yoga, and next thing I realize I’m sobbing.
I kept tearing up in class this morning. And I’m so dehydrated that I was shaking in poses. My biggest fear right now is that I’ve lost you. And that this is going to end. And I can’t even convince myself that it’s not possible because you seem to be having a great week with friends, while I’m home in distress.
I’m worried that this time without me is making you realize that your life is better without me. that I may have been holding you back. You seem to be having so much fun this week and I haven’t had an ounce of fun since last Saturday. Not an ounce. I’ve been so stressed and upset thinking about us. And I’ve been trying hard to process through everything I knew I needed to work through on my own.
I honestly never thought that at the end of this we could be finished. Honestly. I thought I’d think about what I want, you’d think about what you want and could think about, and that we’d work through everything together. Our texting conversation was so short tonight. I told you I missed you and was anxious to hear what you reflected on and you didn’t even acknowledge those statements. And then I made the mistake of telling you I love you. I thought it would be a good white flag that I’m still in this. But it wasn’t reciprocated. This is literally my worst nightmare. That i would fall more in love with you in the time that we were apart and that you would realize you could do better. Or that this life we have isn’t what you wanted.
You’re the love of my life. For the first time I don’t want the timeline. I don’t even acknowledge it. I want a lifetime full of the life we’ve had for the last 2 years. It was more beautiful, loving and happy than any love that I could have asked for. I want the stupid faces you make, all of your accents and your talent. I want your ability to make me cry from laughing and laugh when I’m crying. I want to sing in bed with you while you play the guitar. I want us to snuggle and watch movies with Howie. I want Friday nights in with your homemade spaghetti and a movie. I want you to laugh at me when I cry after watching a movie for 5 minutes. I don’t want the ring, the wedding or the American Dream. I want you and our life. I want your humor and sarcasm. I want our life. For forever.
I ran a 5k with Rebecca this morning and on my way into dc I was thinking about what I want to say when we talk today.
I want to apologize. Apologize for being so distant the last few weeks. Apologize for pushing you to talk about something that you have repeatedly said that you didn’t have an answer to. And apologize for the time we had apart. While I found it incredibly helpful, I’m still sorry that I felt we needed it. Hopefully you found it beneficial as well!
I’m sorry for being so distant. This is something that has been on my mind nonstop since right before you went to h2o. I talked to Hannah that week about you not knowing anything about the future and she said that she supported whatever I chose to do, but it might not be worth waiting around for and may be time to move on. I’ve never been able to get those words out of my head. And it’s never been something that I wanted. Never. The thought of leaving, because you are unsure of your future, no. Absolutely not. But because of her statement, all I’ve thought about is are we right for each other? Do we even want the same things? And after a while, that eats at you and the thought doesn’t go away.
I want to apologize for pushing you to talk about this. I don’t know what my rush is. I believe part of it is that my friends are getting married and having kids, and I’m envious. Fewer of your friends are in that situation so I don’t think you feel that pressure at all, which makes sense. But our life is so different from that timeline. I want to graduate from grad school and open a studio and you want to find a different job that makes you happy, and grow your filming company. We can’t do either of those things to our fullest potential while managing a daycare pickup schedule. And I know that. And I don’t want that. I want a daily reminder that you love me. I want to continue growing and exploring the world with you and I want to wake up next to you more often. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to experience this life without you by my side. This has been a hard week for me. Feeling like a part of me was missing, while trying to process through why the timeline was so important to me. And I’ve decided it was important because I’ve had it for so long without really thinking about if I wanted it. Yes I still want all of those things, but in timing that makes since for what we both want. I love you and the life you’ve given me more than the timeline that’s 10 years old with no inspiration of my own incorporated. I want us to create our own timeline, when we’re ready to. And I want to continue living this life by your side.
My stomach is in knots just waiting to hear what you reflected on for these last few days.
Monday – Yay we’re trying again!!!
Tuesday – on my way to yoga this morning I noticed that I felt such balance in my life. A balance that I haven’t felt in weeks. When this equilibrium was off, everything felt completely off. I’m so glad this balance is back where it’s supposed to be and I feel whole again. 🙂