Tough love

For someone as young as I am, I feel as though I have experienced so much love, but still know so little. The love of my life, after 2 years of dating, isn’t sure about the future. And I have known since day 1 that the future is something that he doesn’t think about. But after this much time together, I would have thought that this was something that he might have thought about.

It’s incredible how different my life is now and who I am as a woman, than who I was 5 years ago. My lifestyle is completely different. So is the way that I carry myself, who I spend time with, who is the priority in my life and who isn’t, my dreams, ambitions and my timeline. Everything is different. And I love that when there is a significant other in your life, how the timeline completely changes. But changes for the better. My whole life I thought I wanted to be married young and be a young mom but the dreams and goals that I have for myself now don’t work with that dream. My timeline has to completely change and making space for the change of heart that I have caused myself is harder than I would have imagine. I’m so grateful to have someone by my side who is helping me develop into the person that I dream to be but also is helping me develop into the person that I dream to be but also helping me develop a new timeline, with him, so we are creating together. What a blessing.

What if I fall? Oh but darling, what if you fly?

I am so obsessed with that. It’s terrifying. Changing the plan and hoping for the best, especially when someone else is involved but what if you excel and its better than anything you could have ever imagined?

I am so grateful for the most incredible man that I have in my life. I’m having a lot of trouble being okay staying with someone who is unsure of the future that is in store for us. So we have decided to take 2 1/2 weeks apart, for us both to figure things out. It’s not a break or a separation, just some quiet time so that we can re-evaluate. And I asked him what happens at the end of the time if he still isn’t sure, and he said we’d work through it together. Im absolutely sure that this is the relationship that I want to be in for the rest of my life, but I need him to be sure or that, or believe it somewhat.

So far, just this afternoon has been so tough. I haven’t stopped crying, and I miss him so much already but I know that this isn’t goodbye, or a bad thing, it’s just going to be hard. I just hope that at the end of this he has realizes what life would be like without me, and that he doesn’t want that at all. I have never fully understood, let go and let go God. But I believe that this will improve us and make us stronger, rather than hurting us.

Let go and let God.

Advertisements